Ek lambi saans lo...

Yun karo...

Ek lambi saans lo...

Us jagah tak pahunch jaao khud hi ke bheetar ...
Ke pighal jaao...

Dhuaan bhi na rahe....

Ittr jaise bikhar jaao...

Na bandish na rok...

Umadna shuru hoga phir...

Aandhi jaisi tezi se jism koshish karega tumhein baahar nikaal phenkne ki...

Usse aadat hai akelepan ki...

Gehraaiyyon mein jitni aawaazein ho utni goonj utthti hai...

Jaanein kya jaag jaaye...

Bada purana shehar hai yeh deh ka...

Kaii pushton ka nishaan makaan kar baithe hain...

Kya pata kaunsi yaad ke kis raaz ko apna banaa lo

Aa gaye kinaare phir? 

Qaboo nahi kar paaye khud hi ek choti si saans?

Anginat dafaa sote jaagte bahut koshish karte ho

Ke khol do yeh gutthi

Jaan lo kya hai teh mein har us ek pal ke praan mein ...

Ke poori qaaynaat tumhein rukne nahi deti
Kheech laati hai daftan

Yun karo...

Ek lambi saans lo...

 

Fairy Talk: From Tinkerbell to Peter Pan

I understand losing of self in love sweetheart. I do that very often but have learnt to guage the respect for it. 

I have prayed like a monk; lived in penury amidst this abundant world and lost a sense of creative force I am every time love throws me off my game. 

Today it overwhelms as I am in love with someone 15 years younger than me and his priorities are way different. Having said that I refuse to people please and seek validation of any other. I sharply see his truths; my truths and our truths. 

It chides me to act from the wisdom - past years of life have given me and allows the joy to fill every cell of my body and being daily. 

It wasn't easy my Peter Pan when you healed my brokenness with your smiles; charm; warmth and by sharing the beautiful family you gathered and created. It was more than what others could create in a lifetime. Today it won't be easy for you to heal from the rejection of elixirs you have brewed; the courage you guard them with and the innocence you shelter. 

Wendy would like to be a mere mortal. Yes; I know it is an unfortunate choice. I may not sit with you as I flutter today gathering lights of hope and fairy dust in the dark forests. These are for those who give up on life and don't have your gifts. That is my path to glow in dark and be the pixie that others dream to catch :) 

Patriarchy

Sometimes I wish I could cry as easy as you
On days when life is punching me in the face and gut
I stand there hitting back; ducking and tiring it out
There's little or no place that has been kept to scream
To let it all out of my chest
All that remains afloat is a heavy smile
Like the curse of ancestors you can't erase from your being

Kuch Barso ka Gubbaar

Hua Baar baar
Sab Taar Taar

Kuch din ki thakaan
Kuch Barso ka Gubbaar

Saans lene bhar ki fursat nahi kahin
Daaman mein kisike bhi hain koi shaqs beqaraar

hai kismaton ki baazi daftaron mein
aur mehfilon mein dilon ka kaarobar

Hua Baar baar
Sab taar taar

Ummeedon ki chaddar odhe mile aksar
Toote hauslon ko sajaate hasraton ke haar

boli to har shay ki lagti hai is shaher mein
wafaa ke daamon pe hi kaayam hai yahaan rishton ke bazaar

Bas ab main hoon aur kuch qisse
dil mein haqeeqat aur pannon pe riste behte lafz beshumaar

Hua baar baar
Sab Taar taar

Kuch din ki thakaan
Kuch Barso ka Gubbaar

Aye dil hai KJo 2.0

I am writing here after forever thanks to my pensive social media posts that help me rave and rant generally. Unless something rare and obscure happens like ADHM. 

Yes; the supposedly controversial movie that a man walking out of the theatre called bundle- a popular mumbai word for trash and I smiled to myself. The theatre on diwali noon was 70/80% occupied and I hadn't thought of what drew others to the movie while my family followed the diwali ritual I have somehow managed to keep alive I.e. stepping out of home to not keep fighting over the rituals and relatives and all that is truly redundant.  Thanks to this man's vocal expression; I felt maybe I should structure my views and share as well; so here it goes.

Spoilers lie ahead and you are being warned. 

From the word go; this movie for me is evolutionary storyteller's hallmark. Yes; it has flipside and yet the characters stayed with me beyond the cinema hall. that rare feat itself is testimonial to Karan Johan's success. . Anushka is Alizeh; Ranbir is Ayan and Aishwarya is Saba through out the duration of the movie. Camera and lyrics / music are the other silent stars. Niranjan Iyengar's dialogues add to each - the characters; their beauty and the story. MBA being mere baap ki aarzoo; vibes being vaatavaran for Lisa Hayden and aishwarya pining to be somebody's khwahish - these work but the ektarfa mohabbat and I friend you as well as cancer hone ka kuch to faayda ho don't ring a bell with me.Here are few moments in ADHM that stayed with me. 

1) The first hint of romantic interest from Ranbir's side when the man child Ayan is being protective and escorting the escapist by choice Alizeh away from her painful past Ali (Fawad) and she asks him to leave. Nuanced; subtle and effective. The silences spoke here and Karan Johar uses lingering silent shots where moist eyes talk often and glances that develop into meaningful gaze grasping in the truth of the matter.

2) From devdasesque cutiepie; Ayan breaks into another song " Channa mereya " and Alizeh realises how he has been struggling to keep his emotions gathered and takes him aside to speak. He confesses his love and in her own terms shows how difficult it is to live with it being unrequited. This is where both actors and director show exactly why they are the best in the industry. Ranbir is no longer the man child he's played a 100 times here and Anushka isn't the bubbly and worldly wise girl she's played 200 times... They are the friends who have an aching and awkward affection they can't stand. This being the intermission again is a masterstroke.

3) Dinner sequence between the leading ladies and Ranbir: It builds up to be conclusive like life is. It doesnt make sense from the word go but slowly yet sweetly right from overt physicality between Aishwarya and Ranbir to the pauses for Anushka's reactions which never come- this is where Karan Johar  shows his grip. The altercation outside and the breakup post that too are as mature as they get in real life.

Except these; the final 30 mins of Adhm ae insipid And sappy tearjerker bits that are cliche but supposed tribute to being filmi and romantic a la Kjo. It might not be the best of 2016 but sure shows that no one else understands and translates friendship; love and now lust and longing much like the man who has been moblynched by MNS.

I call him Kjo 2.0 because The man describes his coming of age in genre of being filmy and romantic with a mention of a song " mujhse pehli si mohabbat mere mehboob na maang" . Apt for the characters and situations too

Final verdict 3.5 stars.

Me - a word

It's what has always been. It's what was always meant to be. No other way my life would make sense. Writing is what completes it. Searching for clever words and phrases, anecdotes or narratives isn't the quest I venture upon. It's a simple expression for me. All the muddled up flavours of life and memories of its sights  sounds, smells, touch and tastes unfurls in a seamless flow whenever I begin. Writer's block for me would be about the subject, quality and fitting it within certain framework. 
Surprisingly very few people look at me now as a writer / creative person. 
I have changed many jobs, been earnest in most and been glaringly mediocre at others. 
I have come far and opportunities have seemingly shrunk for me to write/ express/ be pensive as I like it to be. 15  years into my professional life, I yet wonder when and where will I meet my horizon. I have not lost hope but just misplaced it. I know its around somewhere out of sight but am conscious that my hope lives. Someday I will, I shall pour my being into words and immerse the world in a single tint, a different flavour, a unique fragrance that is me

Maybe it's funny

It's funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye.

It's funny how good memories can make you cry,It's funny how forever never seems to last,It's funny how much you would lose if you forgot about your past,It's funny how friends can just leave when you're down,It's funny how when you need someone they never are around, It's funny how people change and think they're so much better,It's funny how some many lies are packed into one love letter, It's funny how one night can hold so much regret, It's funny how you can forgive but not forget,It's funny how ironic life turns out to be,but the funniest part of all, Is that none of that is funny to me.

dar ba dar

dar ba dar, shab ba shab safar raha mera

lab ba lab, harf dar harf hashr raha mera

na chaha tha afsaano mein zikr

na jaani thi koi mustaqbil ki fiqr

behta, kuch kehta guzra aksar main mehfilon se

na ruka na thama ek dhadkan ki awaaz sunaayi dene ko

ruba ru jo hue tum to kya ilm tha ke ishq aise tarer lega

na dekh paaoonga beete raste na sahil hi samet lega

hue daakhil aakhir kyun zehenn mein

ab na raho to sukoon nahi aur na hi jaane pe junoon le jaate ho

bataao maajra kya hai, kyun dil ki baazi pe mera daanv lagaate ho

kehne ki baat hoti to, shabdon mein dhaal ke badh jaate

ahsaason ke kaarwaan mein ab hasratein chal rahi hain khoyi si

khwaabon ke raste rok ke ummeedon ka saath thama

sambhal jaata yun to main gar har qadam sawaalon se jaan dushwaar na hui hoti

ab to meri kashmakash bhi tujhpe aitbaar karti hai

apni hoti to nibhaate har mushqil ab tere intezaar ka dam bharti hai

laut jaate tum bewafa hoke to qarrar aata

is saadgi se kyun tum  meri jaan ko giraftaar kiye baithe ho

Life

Life isn't just about keeping score.

It's not about how many people call you

And it's not about who you've dated or haven't dated at all.

It isn't about who you've kissed,

What sport you play,

Or which guy or girl likes you.

It's not about your shoes or your hair

Or the color of your skin,

Or where you live or go to school.

In fact it's not about grades, money,

Clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.

Life isn't about if you have lots of friends or if you are alone,

And it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt.

It's about how you feel about yourself.

It's about trust, happiness, and compassion.

It's about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance

And building confidence.

It's about what you say and what you mean.

It's about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have.

Most of all it is choosing to use your life.

In a way that could have never been achieved otherwise.

These choices are what life's about.

Queer Azaadi Mumbai Pride Week 2013 Calendar

It's here finally. The list of events we are doing for Qam Mumbai Pride Week. For all those who believe in equality and would like to understand alternative sexuality - here's a great opportunity to support by attending.  For those who already know all they need to know about LGBTIQ life, select your reasons - music, dance performances, parties, sports, photography, theatre, open mic - whatever be your interest - there's one week of awesomeness coming up - All of it for human rights and a world without discrimination in name of gender  

‘Mumbai is my oxygen’ : life as a gay man in the metropolis

This is an article I wrote in DNA  few years back and I quite like it. Thought I should share it on my blog too :) Hope you guys like it

I am a gay man, and my wardrobe has only one pink shirt. I don’t wear flowery patterns or talk home décor with my female colleagues, or tell them “You should wear red, it looks so darling on you.” I dress in boring browns and blacks, and don’t feel the need to colour my hair blonde and get regular manicures just to conform to what people feel a gay man should look like.
Straight men think gay guys will settle for anything. Big myth. You walk into a room and you can see the straight guy thinking — ‘Uh oh, I’m going to get molested’, as if he’s some sort of irresistible magnet. In fact, I think gay men are more discriminating than women, maybe because being men ourselves, we know what to avoid.
At home, my parents were initially not really aware of my sexuality. I got all my support from my sister. Once I was supposed to be on a chat show on TV, talking about homosexuality. The whole time, my sister and I were fervently hoping that my parents wouldn’t understand what it was about, and how to respond if my family asked questions. In situations where even my friends have gotten scared and backed out, she has stood by me completely. To me, this is a sign of changing times and increasing support.
Mumbai is my oxygen. I cannot fathom and would not prefer my life any other way and any other place. Today in Mumbai’s offices no one really cares what their colleague does in bed as long as he / she is getting their work done. I have gone on overnight picnics and slept in the same bed with my colleagues without any eyebrows being raised. You do have to deal with some pretty nosy questions, though. Like men who want to know “Who is the woman in the relationship.” Actually, there isn’t one. It’s just two men. That’s really hard for them to understand, somehow. There’s this huge curiosity amongst straight men about what gay men actually do. It’s amusing, but I don’t see why I should satisfy it.
Only this city gives you the freedom to pick your sexual position with complete freedom. In other places, you have to be either in or out. Here, you can be curious, experimenting, fence sitting, swinging on one side, or both sides or just pretending. It is a true metropolis, where everyone finds a place. When incidents like the recent police raid [at a private party in Thane] occur, the reaction from part of the community is panic. After the raid, I got dozens of freaked out SMS’s from friends. I finally had to tell them to stop being such chickens. Spreading this kind of fear isn’t really responsible, as it may discourage others from coming out.
For me, the only way to deal with such situations is to arm myself with information. I stay in touch with networks and social forums. I’ve put Article 377 on my Google alerts. I make sure I know my rights and can ask the right questions if I’m ever bothered. I do all this so I don’t have to live in fear.
Right now the city has no special gay joints or spaces, because of the law. Once Article 377 is changed, I am sure the city will boom with gay hang-out clubs and joints, which will be throbbing with people. Advertisers will be chasing this market. There will be coffee shops and non-sleazy bars where we can just chill and be ourselves. Mumbai, will be perfect, then.

Section 377 - the dark law series : Mumbai Pride parade 2008 and Angst of being comfortably numb (part 2)

Pink Floyd might have been happy being comfortably numb. I wasn't. It had been 5 years since Don's death, my shifting out to live alone and being out selectively. A lot had had changed  apart from the sword hanging on heads of all those with alternative sexual preference. Like an orange eater being judged in a world where eating apples was the norm, I saw IPC section 377's implication on two consensual adults having same sex relationship as silly, old school, apalling, insignificant - all by turns in these years.

I was working under industry veterans and learning tricks of the marketing communication & media sales trade oblivious to life apart from my hectic schedule. It was great yet whenever I heard comfortably numb, its lines drilled something deep within. The lack of spark of wishing for more engulfed me

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying 

Yes, there was a smoke screen between lives of people like me and the babus sitting in government offices who either thought sexual minorities can be labeled as perversion and criminalized or thought only right way of acknowledging our presence in society is when speaking of HIV / aids.

At nights, I would silently mourn the death of my consciousness.  Some bits of my conscience lived on though. I would get up and attend a chat show to educate people once in a year, be unafraid to talk to journalist, click pictures and give real name with my views but in my eyes, it was never enough. At work and in social circles, I came out to those who matter and made it a point to stand tall annoyingly in the face of those who bullied others for being effeminate or just moving their hands a lot when talking.There was little progress in the way same sex relationships were shown in Indian movies or television. There was a rare joke about a gay person without the stereotype and media had  not yet built up this issue as we struggled to identify couples who are out and parents who would speak under guise of anonymity . At such times, a celeb who would have guts to admit his alternative sexuality was rare to find (not that now there are many)

In 2007 at a famous book awards after party which my firm was managing, I had a chance meeting with Vikram Seth - the acclaimed author who had won that night.  Just a few months back in October 2006, he had signed an open letter in support of human rights in India for Same sex relationships not being subjected to criminal law. It was sheer curiousity of knowing what made a famous person like him come out as bisexual and support our movement while he stayed in United Kingdom comfortable that made me walk upto him and say hello. I had decided that if he didn't wish to speak about the topic, i would let it be. When the throngs of fans of his work had gotten busy into drinking and eating, I walked upto his table and waited for an aspiring author to leave. After basic introduction, I was surprised that Mr. Seth refused to let go of me for more than 30 minutes when I mentioned the letter and that I am in touch with LGBTHIQ rights workers in Mumbai. He generously offered to keep in touch via snail mail as he wasn't in habit of checking emails those days and he wanted this information directly rather than us corresponding via his agent after weeks / months of delay.  Living under shadow of the dark law seemed alright for that one moment of reassurance of humility and earnesty displayed by him. Much to amusement of my colleagues on his way out, Mr. Seth made a point to ask for me and talk before leaving. Something within me changed that day. Call it leap of faith or change of priorities, what you may but my life is divided by that brief encounter

Life moved on but I started paying attention to developments on LGBT rights front.  Rather than just reading emails and attending GB meets, I decided to go one step further. I remember the first time I entered an NGO office in far off suburb - Kurla where my slippers got stolen from outside the door when inside there were 80 people attending the meet  before 2008 pride parade. I was a mute spectator from event management background who found asking permissions to spend meagre 1000 rupees from funds on stationary as funny. I had no clue of fund raising efforts or Mumbai LGBTHIQ scene then.  Rest of the evening is a blur except for  60 feet rainbow flag being ready for Pride and us opening it - playing under it like little kids forgetting who is Hijda and who is a famous women's right lawyer or an expat teaching us the international ways to do waste management and go green while protesting.

The day of pride soon arrived and I volunteered to be media co-ordinator. Right from telling attendees where to stand to checking the megaphone (which never worked) to carrying tables that were tied to make a stage, I remember being quick on my feet.  After initial round of speeches, we unfurled the giant rainbow flag and took positions under various banners of organisations we supported. Those 2 kms we walked were the zenith of happiness I had ever experienced. I loved the riot of colours and rhythm of nashik dhol on which we danced in middle of mumbai roads. I can never forget sashaying under the giant rainbow flag and walking down to chowpatty under police protection that one day while onlookers admired us and wondered what the hell was on.

It was not just a protest against being a statistic who is marginalised, it was a celebration of our own selves without any mask. The only way I would be comfortably numb that evening would be after endless dancing with new friends I had made.  That day i knew it was my choice to break barriers and open up to new experiences. The ones that life would bring and the ones that IPC section 377 would show :) (To be continued)