To love or not to love (It was love part 3 - Finale)

“Long time! God, just look at yourself” he said.

I couldn’t decipher whether he meant it in a good way or bad. Breaking away from embrace I looked at him in the eyes and was sure that he wanted just to express how good it was to see me finally. It wasn’t about me turning skinnier or fat (our heated debates about my unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits were the last thing on my list when I planned this impromptu trip).

Lost in my thoughts I could just respond to him to begin the conversation but impatience got better of me.“How have you been?” was all that I could come up with. The devil within me was chortling at the irony. The most romantic gesture of my lifetime just went kaput due to a meek pick up line but who has ever required to impress his / her soul mate.

We moved quickly from the lobby to his room, which was warmly lit and cosy, surprisingly arranged like his bedroom (in what used to be our home in Bangalore). Since we both were ending our days, after small talk about the journey, return time and the wait I have had, we began settling on the couch. I headed for a shower while he decided to speak to his sister and mom, who would be excited about the outcome of his soiree.

I could overhear him talk anxiously about her parents and their thoughts about this matrimony. Amidst water jets and the gushing sounds, I drowned my regrets of him being with her in his thoughts even now. I cleansed myself of the insecurities of sharing him tonight with S in spite of her absence by lathering my aroma therapy body wash generously on my small form.

I stepped out fresh and dressed in shorts to find him changed into his nightwear much like our nights back at Bangalore. He had finished his conversation and was surfing channels trying to find some cartoons as he always liked. I walked past him, opened the window and lit up a cigarette overlooking the poolside soaking in the serene view in spite of the noise of television. As per my habit, next step would be turning on mellow music and sitting for a long conversation but I did not act on my impulse to do so but invited him to join me in looking up and playing join the dots with stars in the sky.

He invited me in return to sit next to him on the bed with a pat on the mattress and I went almost without a thought to be by his side on the white giant only to ask him about food, which he had of course had but I had avoided on the flight due to my restlessness. He opened the fridge, handed me the nuts kept on top of it knowing my fondness for salted cashew nuts and asked me “I don’t have vodka here but beer. Would you have it or want me to order vodka for you in spite of your early flight in case you intend missing it”

His cheeky remark made me loosen up and I reverted with “You are like one of those stingy hosts!” He mumbled “Buddhu Bachcha” – his nickname for me, which I hadn’t heard forever. At that very moment, I moved past all my fears that anyone can ever take away from us what we share – our bond, our friendship, our chemistry and our love.

We sipped our drinks and spoke of our lives and plans ahead facing each other on the bed for the next hour or so obviously knowing that the clock was ticking and our time together was reducing with every movement of its hands.

I was tired from whole day’s work and by now was resting with a pillow below my legs and one behind my back when he moved and placed himself instead of the pillow behind me. Soon we were pressed against each other and it happened. We kissed. An electric bolt ran up my spine by surreal nature of this moment. I had wanted it to happen ever since we broke up or rather from the time I had left him behind at Bangalore before he moved back to States a few years back. None of my kisses ever since were as true as this one. It was happening now and I was kind of numb with disbelief till I snapped out and showered him with all I had in store for him.

I did not want to waste a moment in sleeping this night but my body didn’t permit. I woke up so many times in the night just to feel him lying next to me, his warmth, his eyes and his body were all mine for the last time unless life had saved any of its miracles to get us back together. But wasn’t this a miracle. I was celebrating life and all it has to offer without regret. I kissed his forehead while he was asleep and said I love you in his sleeping ears, hugged him and went back to sleep only to wake up in morning and find him ready.

He couldn’t come to leave me to airport but this time the hotel car was waiting for me. He had called for it thoughtfully- one of his traits that I just adored was that surprises and gifts run naturally in his system. In the next 15 minutes of repacking and giving 100 advices for him to take care, I embraced him a few times but surprisingly there was no longing or pain of final farewell. He walked me to the car. I bid him goodbye and smiled my way to the airport and in flight. Sun was shining more brightly than yesterday somehow and I was listening to ‘Someday’ by MLTR on the iPod he had gifted. Suddenly I got goose bumps and my heart swelled with joy of the knowledge that I had something no one can ever snatch or threaten, something beyond the control of whole universe and its forces – my love and ability to decide to love or not to love. Thankfully I had decided in favour of it and stuck by its results and its end. Would I love again? Well, for sure, yes.

Nostalgic nights

Holding your hands and walking in the clouds,
my days were full of joy, so full of you.

Soaring in the sky with wings of your dreams,
My moments flew in vivid nights, our nights

Listening to your heartbeat, a rhythm so pure
I was touched by an angel, not fallen of course

Thinking of your ways and sweet smiles,
My blues just vanished as you filled my space, my horizons

As you open a new chapter of your heart each time,
I believe we met cos we were destined to

Treasuring togetherness, a boon of your presence,
My life seems now more complete, sculpted to perfection and blessed by him

Life or something like that

As long as I can remember, I have sought life in all its forms, be it mind, body or the spirit. I am thankful to it for all the serendipities, challenges and lessons I have learnt till date. 

A bumpy joyride that I am getting used to now, life had its moments of joys, thrills, fun and horror. Some moments of fear felt like they would never end and the whole life would never be the same again and at a few others, when I felt love, I wanted them to last forever and my life to remain like that always. None of it happened but I wouldn’t trade any part of life for other. It’s the co-existence of these differences that make the whole experience so enriched and empowering simultaneously.

 My current pursuit is of a story and thus food for thought. An idle observer of life at times and active creator at others, my mind is restless with the plethora of opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead. I am comfortably numb wondering how mystical and magical is for life to unfurl its kaleidoscopic banner for me when I thought it was leading to nowhere. The brilliance of life remains in the fact that even in the most insignificant phases of one’s life, when on the surface there’s inactivity, it has many wondrous possibilities just waiting to be manifested, many new life forms to be discovered and many mysteries to be solved. 

The game is simple. The challenge is not only to survive but also to appear victorious, to achieve and excel. If you do so, you get many more brownie points or benefits. At this point, I seek an admission in university of my choice. It is my most cherished possession at stake, my capacity, ability to write, to express, to create and connect. This writing assignment will help the university in knowing me better, in judging my writing prowess and the mettle of my thoughts. It’s crucial now that I move beyond the hurts of heart and dreams of distant destinies, its time to create my tomorrow with these very hands. I take a deep breath and vow to break my writer’s block, which is one of the worst that has ever struck me. 

The enemy maybe strong but I know my will to conquer; my desire to defeat any obstacle to courageously counter the challenges is high. I begin today, with a fresh new approach as all the old seem to be outmoded, its time for life, for change. Its time to heal the deep gnashes of hurtful feelings towards those who had wandered into these situations unknown. It was my violent emotions that made them look like criminals of hurting me, when it was my expectations and my desires that made me react harshly to them.

 I pray now for a focus, clarity of thought and purpose. I determine to work towards these goals, one at a time. Here I stand, with arms stretched looking skywards as if embracing the universe and asking it the way to reach my destination, my handful of sky, lungful of life and dreams.