In the name of life

I danced the night away. Clinkering glasses of wine and spirits added to the rhythm of the night. We bathed on dance floor in colours of celebrations painted over our moods- blue and battered from weekdays of struggle at work. Escaping from an earful by the boss, parents and loved ones, our refuge was perfect only until on my way back I saw a man with his son, dressed in pristine white unapologetically sleeping on a park bench.

Skies began crying. It poured in streams and not droplets as if Mother Nature finally had turned teary eyed without any sobs or sound. Maybe she was not in mood to be consoled

They ran for shelter while I rolled up windows of my cab. The little one clutched big hands and tried to shake sleep off his eyes. Dreams were not meant for him. It was in harsh waking truths that his life was to shape up. I don’t know why but i stopped the vehicle near them. The man was apprehensive till I showed my press badge and asked if everything is alright. He asked me to watch over his son till he fetches his stuff he left behind near the bench and I nodded silently asking him to cover his head with a newspaper I had in my bag. As he moved some metres away with fast sogging offering that I had given him, cabbie asked the boy what they were doing there at this hour. The boy looked up and turned towards the man and just to let us know that if he tells us as the man would be angry.

Considering it a kidnap or some such shady business, I probed further and prompted the boy to speak up if there is anything wrong. I told him sleeping in park is illegal and police officers would be happy to get them moving if I complained.
At my attempt, looking down he muttered unapologetically that there is no need. Their landlord had thrown them out and his father – the man that he was with had no money, so they were waiting for the temple doors to open in the morning. By the time, he finished a few more details about where they lived and the tea stall that they had nearby, the October rain stopped, and father returned. I offered them a lift if they wanted to go anywhere and he refused. After which I asked the cabbie to move from there.

Yes, I was smashed yet, not with the drinks but with my own view of life
There might be many 8 year olds in this world calling sky their home, a few supporting their parents in daily struggle without knowing the role that they play. That kid for me is answer to my prayers for guidance about my life. I could never pray specifically and always asked god to show me the answers as i move ahead in journey of life. Today was a landmark, a reason to celebrate as true reverence and faith had met me in person. They were contained in a small frame with a smaller mind, big eyes and bigger questions but yes the child and his self respect was bigger as he never asked for money which a child would normally and easily in this situation and stood being half drenched with rains instead of seeking convenient comfort from helpful strangers.

His determination shone in his eyes to move ahead and change the situation without being apologetic and to face the life like his father who did not expect this young life to seek help elsewhere. I remembered my maid who helps my landlady run her household in clockwork precision keeping my mind off the trivialities. Also about the watchman who guards my home 24x7 with his meagre pay, the rickshaw drivers who have left me at my correct destination when I did not have a clue and strangers who were hardworking poor people without begrudging their challenges in life.

On the other hand, I had my day job, the deadlines that I was ready to crib about, and my humble abode which lacked the best paintjob i desired. I realised at that moment the easy route of self pitying behaviour prevalent in the queer community of my city. There are challenges that lie ahead of us – social acceptance, section 377, fear and misunderstandings at every junction of our lives.

I asked myself while climbing the stairs towards my home when I visit the parties and hang out with friends or date, what is the void that needs to be filled? It is the spark of determination that the kid had. His acceptance of his realities and will to support his dear ones through it rather than an easy rebellion route or self-pity can guide each one of us.

I was sleepy and ready to enter the realm of dreams. The ones that showed the blue print of change required in our attitudes. The brighter, better tomorrow where each one of us brings to the fore – our unique views and creates value rather than spilling over petty issues of sexual compatibility with the cruisers at a particular location.

I guess it is these experiences that are humbling and for which Billy Joel wrote River of dreams which I am ready to enter blissfully

Summer days of contradictions

It’s a sunny day today. Pleasant and familiar, taking me back to the idle afternoons of childhood and discovery of many joys in boyhood. My world as a child revolved around my home in a sleepy suburb of Mumbai. Somewhere close to the mean madness of the metropolis, my township provided me ample of adventures to last one summertime after another.

I witnessed my best friend’s upbringing in a cliché south Indian fashion where life ideally is as simple as an idli. The formula to follow is to bury your noses and more into books while in school and college and at the most learn carnatic music, bharata natyam or join a chess club if inclined towards extracurricular activities. Simultaneously my Punjabi upbringing had its share of problems of a disjointed nuclear family that hadn’t been able to find any roots in this city except a small flat in the suburbs. Most of my family which would have been responsible for my identification or association with my culture or traditions was in north India, scattered like beads of a gaudy ornamental necklace.

As far as the environment goes, this apartment was the only thing that connected me to my neighbours, none of whom had a wish to dream big, leave alone ambitions to conquer the city they were a part of.. An opinion was considered lethal for a kid my age and determination was viewed as an inconsequential part of a child’s make believe games. Somehow I knew from day one that I was a square peg and should not even think of trying to fit into these round holes. I wore similar clothes to their kids, I had same issues like the lack of money, space and privacy as most of them, but I never let the awareness of my distinction sink into depths of my mind. It didn’t need recall even though I gained expertise in local dialects and could hold a conversation in Marathi as fluently as English, much to the amusement of my neighbours.

As a true blue member of the bollywood city, I had started my reading one summer looking at a movie ad in paper and reading it in roman Hindi with the alphabets S-H-O-L-A-Y. This biggest hit of Indian film industry may not be in my list of personal favourites, but does hold its significance just like these incoherent facts. Well let’s put things in perspective. Though I enjoyed being a witness to my friend’s life which worked in clockwork precision and produced some wonderful results for him, I never regretted not having much order in my life.

Through my college, I sang, danced, and acted on stage and off it into jobs that I fancied, while he studied to get top grades, as if he would ace in life if he topped his class. His summers ended with results of his annual run to the winning post, mine just were intervals till I returned to be my old social butterfly self.

In a summer after college, I fell in love, maybe for the first time as earlier I had loved my girl friend but wasn’t in love with her. This time it was a boy from US who found me online. My afternoons were sunny with smileys, days were filled with reading print outs of romantic emails over and over again. Maybe it was the heat or blind puppy love, but if there was a smile that mattered to me, it was his. I basked in radiance of his love. We planned gazillion things about his visit to Mumbai, our life in coming years and more like two kids, sitting idly deciding lives of their dolls in the perfect pink plastic house

I moved out of my parent’s home but he didn’t turn up online for long. I called his dorm to know that he hastened his chemotherapy as a medical student authorized to do so for a non-malignant tumour in his head and had expired due to brain hemorrhage. That summer didn’t cheer me up. The memories of it still don’t fade. Harsh brightness of the days mocked my dark life and warmth scalded my heart. His memories were coupled with a knowledge that no one else in the world probably knew his true nature. His thoughts, emotions or desires were all unknown, uncared for and died with him. I lived for the seasons to change, rain soaked my spirit and winter froze the fire of anger within.

Today, it’s been many years since and many people have come and gone in my life. My friend still awaits his arranged south Indian marriage and works 24 x 7 like a good boy. He hasn’t faced deaths except a few old relatives. That’s because he didn’t venture out much in sun listening to his mother who warned him of burns. I remain friends with him and connect as frequently or infrequently as per my work. The reason for doing so eludes me. Maybe I want to be rooted in ordinary mundane life too even if I fancy my alternative lifestyle. Security of love and family still has value for me as it has for him. But for me, summer is knocking again. Mornings are arriving earlier and twilight seems to evade me. The question remains what to expect this time. Nostalgia remains and enthusiasm for new day too. Summer strikes and I wait for its bittersweet contradictions to unfold. As I head towards an unknown destination jogging early morning, I reach a conclusion that no matter which road u take, the sun will shine bright. It’s for us either to stand in way of its light and warmth completely and bloom from bud to a flower or to stagnate with security of never reaching our true potential in shades.

One world outside and within

I have lived in the self indulgent bliss of thinking that the world of thoughts and feelings within me is completely separated from the world outside, where I talk, socialize, love, win and lose. I look at the endless crowd at a Mumbai beach close to my home, sitting as couples families and friends and can’t help but think how many of them would have gone through a similar phase in life, where in the thoughts and feelings harboured inside were kept from being expressed.

I am on my way to treat my family to a lunch at city’s posh eatery, something that has not been done before. But today at the age of 26, I see my parents nearing 60 years of their lives, still struggling and living within a marriage that has lasted 32 years with just a few happy moments and memories. I have kept them away from my inner world for long, even moved out of my home 4 years back for the declaration of my need for space and individuality.

I arrive early at the decided venue before my parents and my sister and book the table with the air of arrogance that they are late and also that they wouldn’t know their way around this place. I make a reservation and settle on a bench when I see my father and he gives a smile that I return almost as if I am doing a favour.

While he calls my sister to find where have they reached I ponder whether anger, love and guilt when unexpressed and unfulfilled really vanish under wraps with a quaint smile or silence? Is this garb impenetrable as we think of it to be? Does the silent sibling rivalry crop up as adultery? Does backstabbing a friend result from an unexpressed compliment about new dress? Does the devil within your head work more slyly and stealthily than the angel who needs you to act on your good will? Isn’t the scary silhouette outside the manifestation the dark fears within our minds?

As we proceed to our table as soon as my mother and sister arrive to complete our nuclear family like many others sitting at an arms distance from us in the cramped space.The service is as prompt as any authentic Thali joint with 12 waiters serving 36 dishes or more in 3 minutes flat, leaving you amazed at the feat that they pull simply and charmingly. The whole routine coupled with delicious food and presence of loved ones brings smiles naturally to all members on my table. Warmth of the moment thaws ice for me and I smile too, but this time looking at their satisfaction at a simple gesture of treating them to a not so fancy meal.

I dwelve within mentally for a reality check on why did I move away from these smiles if they bring me so much of peace and are worth cherishing. Realisation dawns on me that I fear staying with them because of my own discomfort with their ways which I associate to being unrelatable. Have they never felt the passive aggression of my rebellion against the norms they advocate? Right from the grunge attire to choice of career and lifestyle contrasting to theirs is not a co-incidence. I am enlightened in a flash then.

I can see that all the causes I made subconsciously at the thought and feeling level resulted in the bitterness before as I acted on them sooner or later. The silence that I thought dealt with them, didn’t actually end them. Just like a cat does not go away if the pigeon shuts his/ her eyes, a problem does not get solved unless we act on it.

Every discomfort, unhappiness and suffering has a route in our indecision and inaction or dearth of will to see the truth. When we seek the answers for problems outside within us, we are sure to find a thread that lead to the action, maybe a thought, a hurt, an encouragement, a misunderstanding. Though intangible, these things do manifest into world outside. If we see a visible pattern that harms, it is just a question of letting it go and to create new cause.

I cleaned my conscience and got rid of my biases as I washed my hands. The disease was gone. After taking care of the bill, impulsively I took my sister and mother shopping for daily groceries at the biggest Hypermall of Mumbai. For once, I was there to buy happiness not for me but for my family without any grudge. My world was turning inside out. The catalyst was within and the change started there as well but I saw the glint in eyes outside. I wasn’t missing my ignorant bliss at this moment but silently celebrating the knowledge gained.

On my way back home, I am sure that these fundamental patterns deeply etched within my own life however upsetting remain true. I wonder how many such inconsequential and illogical beliefs have seats within mine and everyone else’s psyche. Reaching back to threshold my home, I determine to harmonize my worlds with every thought inside and action outside

Never Say Never

Some love it, some hate it, and No one could ignore it. Kabhi Alvidaa Naa Kehna surely packs a punch. While it literally means, “Never say good bye”, it also marks coming of age and opening of Indian mindsets. What is your idea of romance? Pristine white as vanilla set up of boy-meets girl, they fight with all odds and marry each other and live happily ever after? We have been fed with this imagery by Indian movies for well about more than quarter of a century (that would be my age). For me I think this is utopia. People hide their not- so-perfect relationships or live in shame if they fall in love with those who they were not supposed to fall in love with. How many of us have cursed ourselves for loving someone we did not want to fall for and then how many of us have got an equal response and regretted all of it without questioning why? Why should we ever be ashamed of our love? Why should we ever feel helpless just because of guilt resultant from internalizing social taboos?

When the protagonists of this movie are faced with a dilemma of either being unfaithful to their unhappy relationships or being untrue to their dreams of what could be a perfect relationship, they choose to go the infidel way. The beauty of the movie is that these characters are not any weak, emotionally foolish or horny types, which form the cliché to justify an illegitimate or extra marital relationship. These characters are aware and equally empowered to chose the suffering and continue enduring it, but they instead chose to risk it all for a few smiles, some find some strange answers to beckoning of their hearts and are trapped when the guilt strikes and again they decide to go back and pour equal passion and honesty in their married lives. The problem is, will they be accepted now? Will you or will I?

We should be aware at all given point of times that it’s we, all of us who collectively form a society. Awareness of the changes we want to bring about and propagating them helps, its done one step at a time. While 12 years back Aditya Chopra expressed the thought in Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, where a girl has a right to chose her life and be happy without compromises even if she is not being a perfect obedient Indian daughter. Society began being a bit more accepting towards love marriages.

Now the focus has to shift from what will the world say to how far will I go to realise my dreams? This forms the core of Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehna.

Even though some parts of the movie resemble an irritating email forward you would like to delete, I would say that the sheer cheek of honest representation of infidelity sans Mallika’s bheege hont or Taboo’s feminist fury (remember Astitva) is laudable. It’s chic as much as Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, more emotional but not as melodramatic and loud as Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and is rocking box office across the globe.

The reason for its success can be the fact that Indians take great pride in morality but treat it very callously. Though there can be murders, political wins and more in the name of moral policing, there are very few who actually understand them. It takes a very sensible person to know his boundaries and to know his limits, fix them up when the need be and make new ones when the time comes. The rigid systems and clinging orthodox patterns have to be shed in every way for evolution of a better society. My point is not that Infidelity is right. Every body has a right to find love, where they want and when they want. Being judgmental is easy but understanding what it means to them is difficult. Unknowingly our prejudices, acceptance and our attitude or approval of someone else’s life may affect them immensely.

India is a country of arranged marriages and compromised lives after that. I know atleast a dozen such couples that are not trying but just hoping that some how their relationship works. Kabhi Alvida Na kehna is for all of them, for my parents, maybe yours, for many children who remember misery in their parent’s lives due to unhappy marriages.

Coming back to the film, I liked the attempts to keep the subject light. The brilliance of the scene where SRK and Rani are cheating but jealous when they think their spouses are having an affair. In true blue KJ style, he brings grand sets, melodious music, conceptually treated songs (Tumhi Dekho na’s synchronicity of colours was a concept well executed). He tries to dish out eye candy in the form of Kajol, John Abraham and Arjun Rampal. While the first two do just fine, Arjun shows his hangovers and age unlike his earlier greek god looks. It proves my belief of you cannot take nature for granted come alive.

Interestingly, Karan pays tribute to many of his favourite cinematic moments and live anecdotes in the movie. The Harmless flirting of Kirron Kher and Amitabh Bachchan is a result of the big social gatherings of Punjabi/ Sindhi families where you are sure to be caught in crossfire of some such scenes. Also I couldn’t help but notice the usage of silhouettes of a man and woman, wet with rain and passion hugging just like Raj Kapoor and Nargis, but in true KJ style they were against the NY skyline.

And last but not the least, a special mention on Amitabh Bachchan. I am ot the one of his die hard fans and could notice that its only someone like Karan who can get the man to do roles like Sexxy Sam with such ease or else he is tuck up with his Baghban/ Waqt / Veer zaara kind of routine…

To sum it all, alpha male meets the pining female incomplete without his love, Years later when their imperfection and unattractiveness is at peak for the world, they find calm in one another. But as it happens in all Indian movies (the director knows it’s a Hindi movie after all) the good Samaritans and the faithful spouses dump the unfaithful one to lead a lonely life. The unfaithful ones have to regret their decision of being honest and confessing… believe me it was not for spending a night together.

It’s been a long blog but the short and appropriate end would be Kudos KANK, Kudos Karan.