Something fundamental and worrisome plagues our daily lives. It threatens the fabric of civilised living. I am not talking of homosexuality. I am talking of child abuse rather more specifically abuse of a male child. Ever since my boyhood i have been aware of the predators. Not because of my parents and their cautious upbringing but moreso due to the middle class upbringing. It was the unspoken responsibility of taking care of the most precious possession of an average joe – our dignity. Allowing myself to be humiliated or violated was out of the question. I was aware rather alert of reactions from early phases of my life. Unwanted attention to my distinct traits ( i do not judge myself or others on social parameters of gender confirmation) was always worrisome.
I remember the paanwala of my building and son of a close family friend referring to my fair thighs at age of 7 being like ones of a tarty starlet who had bared it all in a bollywood flick under waterfall. Also I remember that I did not realise the reason of my dislike for these conversations. Many many years later I was a minor being seduced by a younger lad and still my inner voices protested. I failed to register the exact reason. The consciousness that the act is not right remained without a word being exchanged about it in my surroundings. Today i chose to express myself about this taboo subject as I see two friends of mine – different as chalk and cheese dealing with their pasts, which were tainted and marked by incidences of betrayal, deceit and inhumane devilish attack on their free will by close family members. Yes, they were victims of child abuse. Today they are leading their lives as men who have moved ahead but alterations in their life due to these acts are visible.
Their struggle to break through, reach out, and love themselves without any guilt was inspiring as well as unnerving to me. One is my closest friend who seeks his childhood through pampering himself and friends. He happily eats, shops and gives his childlike loyalty decisively to a few of us. Let us call him S. In spite of going through storms of these continuous attacks on his very being, he chooses to laugh on his past and zealously guards his feelings by talking openly to seem like he is hiding nothing and acting as if he has disconnected himself to the hurt caused. He indulges at every step and compensates for love and attention, the care that he missed during the turbulent phase. The guilty people who are part of his family lead their miserable lives- hollow and shallow everyday looking at their mirror in his eyes. I am sure they can’t meet his gaze. His approach is silent protest – a passive aggressive celebration of their downfall and being proven right thereby turning tables by emerging stronger than the abusers. Imagine being happy when they derived strength from your fear. Imagine being successful when they tried their best to keep you from good bounded in web of their lust and negativities. Imagine breaking open the shell and breathing lungful after gasping for a ray of light or touch of a breeze. I can see it in his glint, in his every step, that he lives on personifying the nightmare of any abuser i.e. their victim being strong and independent. The silence of his dignity and perseverance is a deafening slap on their ugly faces. They don’t deserve any less.
The second person in question is my friend R. His life too was sullied by the dirty minds and acts of his relative. R has grown up to be an intellectual. His career is going fine and he has empowered himself by lending shoulder first to his best friend, then to a failed lover and finally to a community i.e. LGBT family of India. He has chosen to be part of the bigger picture. He loves animals and speaks up for them, respects women and writes a blog that advocates equal rights amongst many other subjects. He also talks for all those children who will grow up under the influence of boogeymen lurking close to them and silently thriving on their helplessness. R has surrounded himself with core issues of multiple people and wants to solve each of them. He has found his voice while speaking up for others. He talks again freely of his abuse and his choice to be gay. He lives as per his own rules and takes on every opportunity to express and intiate cause based movements online or offline. Hes seen with poor one day a week and sets up a helpline for terror struck citizens the other day, writes a blog supporting social change in night and works on commercial event properties ideation by the day. He seemingly has found his calling. He’s fast heading to a career in politics laced with fame and fortune. He helps wholeheartedly and has successfully transformed his poison into medicine i.e. derived strength from the weakest moments of his life. I see R losing inspite of his soaring popularity. His close friends are few unlike S. His need to talk about his contribution to each cause and his desire to be acknowledged is more than evident. I see him yet being a child who yearns for attention from a correct person. His persona of a happy go lucky intellectual and social activist is a clever garb to hide his desperation to beat the satanic shadows of his past. He has clinged to the pain and relives it every time he shares his life story.
They are two people with lost innocence. They stay in the same city but are worlds apart. They both support reading down of IPC section 377 and making a new separate law for child abuse. They also want others to know that male child is also at equal risk of abuse as much as females. That is where the similarities end. While one chooses to lose himself in problems of others and neglects his past while wanting to be respected for what he’s been through, the other one enjoys company of friends, dances, discusses and flirts his nights away. They both have scars which are impossible to get rid of but to talk of both these survivors in one breath is almost impossible. The beliefs that S shares are his own. His presence in our lives comes without the weight that the need to fit in or out do others brings on platter. This is because S discovered himself and continues on the route of self discovery while R has fallen for the charm of another devil called fame- this time willingly.
Their choices are obviously both respect worthy but while R is escaping, S has faced and moved on from a much worse nightmare. He walks with a bouncing step and is full of life even after midnight normally. He is unputdownable. R is faking it till he discovers himself and S chooses to explore. Two people tied by an invisible thread, representing two aspects- two sides of a coin. It doesnt matter who i consider a winner and who a loser, what matters is that they are walking and their will to keep at it. I salute them both for their courage, their warmth, their humility and their inspirational presence in my life.
I conclude looking at them that it is essential for one to fall inorder to be stronger but the difference lies in how you get up and how truthfully and earnestly u make attempts to move ahead. I remember someone else at this moment – someone exemplary who suffered attacks herself and I leave both my friends and all of you with her words.
“ I can be changed by what happens to me. but I refuse to be reduced by it. -- Maya Angelou”
Such strength is what I pray to be instilled in hearts of all child abuse victims. Such wisdom should congeal the determination of all women enduring marital rape. Such vision should fill the horizons of all those who are awaiting a miracle to redeem them from their sufferings. Amen
I remember the paanwala of my building and son of a close family friend referring to my fair thighs at age of 7 being like ones of a tarty starlet who had bared it all in a bollywood flick under waterfall. Also I remember that I did not realise the reason of my dislike for these conversations. Many many years later I was a minor being seduced by a younger lad and still my inner voices protested. I failed to register the exact reason. The consciousness that the act is not right remained without a word being exchanged about it in my surroundings. Today i chose to express myself about this taboo subject as I see two friends of mine – different as chalk and cheese dealing with their pasts, which were tainted and marked by incidences of betrayal, deceit and inhumane devilish attack on their free will by close family members. Yes, they were victims of child abuse. Today they are leading their lives as men who have moved ahead but alterations in their life due to these acts are visible.
Their struggle to break through, reach out, and love themselves without any guilt was inspiring as well as unnerving to me. One is my closest friend who seeks his childhood through pampering himself and friends. He happily eats, shops and gives his childlike loyalty decisively to a few of us. Let us call him S. In spite of going through storms of these continuous attacks on his very being, he chooses to laugh on his past and zealously guards his feelings by talking openly to seem like he is hiding nothing and acting as if he has disconnected himself to the hurt caused. He indulges at every step and compensates for love and attention, the care that he missed during the turbulent phase. The guilty people who are part of his family lead their miserable lives- hollow and shallow everyday looking at their mirror in his eyes. I am sure they can’t meet his gaze. His approach is silent protest – a passive aggressive celebration of their downfall and being proven right thereby turning tables by emerging stronger than the abusers. Imagine being happy when they derived strength from your fear. Imagine being successful when they tried their best to keep you from good bounded in web of their lust and negativities. Imagine breaking open the shell and breathing lungful after gasping for a ray of light or touch of a breeze. I can see it in his glint, in his every step, that he lives on personifying the nightmare of any abuser i.e. their victim being strong and independent. The silence of his dignity and perseverance is a deafening slap on their ugly faces. They don’t deserve any less.
The second person in question is my friend R. His life too was sullied by the dirty minds and acts of his relative. R has grown up to be an intellectual. His career is going fine and he has empowered himself by lending shoulder first to his best friend, then to a failed lover and finally to a community i.e. LGBT family of India. He has chosen to be part of the bigger picture. He loves animals and speaks up for them, respects women and writes a blog that advocates equal rights amongst many other subjects. He also talks for all those children who will grow up under the influence of boogeymen lurking close to them and silently thriving on their helplessness. R has surrounded himself with core issues of multiple people and wants to solve each of them. He has found his voice while speaking up for others. He talks again freely of his abuse and his choice to be gay. He lives as per his own rules and takes on every opportunity to express and intiate cause based movements online or offline. Hes seen with poor one day a week and sets up a helpline for terror struck citizens the other day, writes a blog supporting social change in night and works on commercial event properties ideation by the day. He seemingly has found his calling. He’s fast heading to a career in politics laced with fame and fortune. He helps wholeheartedly and has successfully transformed his poison into medicine i.e. derived strength from the weakest moments of his life. I see R losing inspite of his soaring popularity. His close friends are few unlike S. His need to talk about his contribution to each cause and his desire to be acknowledged is more than evident. I see him yet being a child who yearns for attention from a correct person. His persona of a happy go lucky intellectual and social activist is a clever garb to hide his desperation to beat the satanic shadows of his past. He has clinged to the pain and relives it every time he shares his life story.
They are two people with lost innocence. They stay in the same city but are worlds apart. They both support reading down of IPC section 377 and making a new separate law for child abuse. They also want others to know that male child is also at equal risk of abuse as much as females. That is where the similarities end. While one chooses to lose himself in problems of others and neglects his past while wanting to be respected for what he’s been through, the other one enjoys company of friends, dances, discusses and flirts his nights away. They both have scars which are impossible to get rid of but to talk of both these survivors in one breath is almost impossible. The beliefs that S shares are his own. His presence in our lives comes without the weight that the need to fit in or out do others brings on platter. This is because S discovered himself and continues on the route of self discovery while R has fallen for the charm of another devil called fame- this time willingly.
Their choices are obviously both respect worthy but while R is escaping, S has faced and moved on from a much worse nightmare. He walks with a bouncing step and is full of life even after midnight normally. He is unputdownable. R is faking it till he discovers himself and S chooses to explore. Two people tied by an invisible thread, representing two aspects- two sides of a coin. It doesnt matter who i consider a winner and who a loser, what matters is that they are walking and their will to keep at it. I salute them both for their courage, their warmth, their humility and their inspirational presence in my life.
I conclude looking at them that it is essential for one to fall inorder to be stronger but the difference lies in how you get up and how truthfully and earnestly u make attempts to move ahead. I remember someone else at this moment – someone exemplary who suffered attacks herself and I leave both my friends and all of you with her words.
“ I can be changed by what happens to me. but I refuse to be reduced by it. -- Maya Angelou”
Such strength is what I pray to be instilled in hearts of all child abuse victims. Such wisdom should congeal the determination of all women enduring marital rape. Such vision should fill the horizons of all those who are awaiting a miracle to redeem them from their sufferings. Amen
