A night of incoherence and insights about my heart

Every night I close my eyes and make a half hearted attempt to forget everything. The awareness of being responsible for all my life is overwhelming. Sometimes with the sounds of my favourite songs and at others with the words of wisdom from authors long dead and gone, I seek comfort I once received.

A simple pleasure of sound sleep next to a loved one, in embrace of securities, a sense of serenity, inner calm of belonging, of being accepted, of being loved and known. Its perplexing how we shut the windows of our hearts for the whole world and expect our loved ones to see right through it. Once we lower our guards and our windows, our thresholds go downwards almost automatically.

I realise amidst the echoes of my silences as i stare endlessly at the window curtains that we dont get hurt becuase of rejection or betrayal, we get hurt due to our expectations and misplaced dreams. The mourning after any relation is as much about the loss of dreams as much it is about the loss of a loved person.

I guess I have worn black for long if not physically but mentally and now its time for the dark winters to make way for the spring sun. Its been a long time of restlessness, not trusting anyone but self, of being a jerk magnet and more. Now that i see my past relationship from a distance with my minds eye before i sleep, I remember a poem by a dear friend Partho Sengupta( written below... hope u like it)

A visitor and a stranger

For a short time you stepped into my world

And saw a stranger in the mirror

You listened in wonder to this stranger

He spoke of memories of an earlier life

He spoke from your throat about older fears

His tears wet your eyes on realization of what it can be

Under the shadow of forgotten caves

The stranger came closer than you wished

Today you are back in your world

I am still in mine

And the stranger, he stayed back with me

It reminds just that everyone gives hurt and pain to people who love them.. What matters is your will not to continue doing so by your actions. After that, its their decision if they want to remain sad, hurt or pained by previous actions or forgive and forget. I think i am beginning the process to look beyond self, to look at my relationships in the light of my responsibility and participation towards them. I bid good bye to the victim mentality and by then, the dreams await me... the ones of better relationships in future and of a more sensible approach to my own heartaches. Right before I doze, an inner voice provides a perfect sign off saying - Good night and good luck.

Apne hisse ki udaan

Aasman itna apaar, itna aseem aur ataah hai ki door se hi humein zindagi bhar choota hai. Har ek ki zindagi se, sapnon se atoot rishta sa ban jaata hai is ka. Pata nahin yeh silsila kabse hai , shayad sabhyata ki shuruat se ya phir sapnon ke janam se.Har sapna humaari aashaon ko, koshishon ko aur himmat ko nayee udaan deta hai. Kuchh oncha hona, bheed se kuch kadam hi sahi par aage badhna, hum sab chahte hai zindagi se aur apni zindagi se kuch khaas, hum sab chahte hain apne hisse ka aasman, apne hisse ki udaan.

Never Say Never

Some love it, some hate it, and No one could ignore it. Kabhi Alvidaa Naa Kehna surely packs a punch. While it literally means, “Never say good bye”, it also marks coming of age and opening of Indian mindsets. What is your idea of romance? Pristine white as vanilla set up of boy-meets girl, they fight with all odds and marry each other and live happily ever after? We have been fed with this imagery by Indian movies for well about more than quarter of a century (that would be my age). For me I think this is utopia. People hide their not- so-perfect relationships or live in shame if they fall in love with those who they were not supposed to fall in love with. How many of us have cursed ourselves for loving someone we did not want to fall for and then how many of us have got an equal response and regretted all of it without questioning why? Why should we ever be ashamed of our love? Why should we ever feel helpless just because of guilt resultant from internalizing social taboos?

When the protagonists of this movie are faced with a dilemma of either being unfaithful to their unhappy relationships or being untrue to their dreams of what could be a perfect relationship, they choose to go the infidel way. The beauty of the movie is that these characters are not any weak, emotionally foolish or horny types, which form the cliché to justify an illegitimate or extra marital relationship. These characters are aware and equally empowered to chose the suffering and continue enduring it, but they instead chose to risk it all for a few smiles, some find some strange answers to beckoning of their hearts and are trapped when the guilt strikes and again they decide to go back and pour equal passion and honesty in their married lives. The problem is, will they be accepted now? Will you or will I?

We should be aware at all given point of times that it’s we, all of us who collectively form a society. Awareness of the changes we want to bring about and propagating them helps, its done one step at a time. While 12 years back Aditya Chopra expressed the thought in Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, where a girl has a right to chose her life and be happy without compromises even if she is not being a perfect obedient Indian daughter. Society began being a bit more accepting towards love marriages.

Now the focus has to shift from what will the world say to how far will I go to realise my dreams? This forms the core of Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehna.

Even though some parts of the movie resemble an irritating email forward you would like to delete, I would say that the sheer cheek of honest representation of infidelity sans Mallika’s bheege hont or Taboo’s feminist fury (remember Astitva) is laudable. It’s chic as much as Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, more emotional but not as melodramatic and loud as Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and is rocking box office across the globe.

The reason for its success can be the fact that Indians take great pride in morality but treat it very callously. Though there can be murders, political wins and more in the name of moral policing, there are very few who actually understand them. It takes a very sensible person to know his boundaries and to know his limits, fix them up when the need be and make new ones when the time comes. The rigid systems and clinging orthodox patterns have to be shed in every way for evolution of a better society. My point is not that Infidelity is right. Every body has a right to find love, where they want and when they want. Being judgmental is easy but understanding what it means to them is difficult. Unknowingly our prejudices, acceptance and our attitude or approval of someone else’s life may affect them immensely.

India is a country of arranged marriages and compromised lives after that. I know atleast a dozen such couples that are not trying but just hoping that some how their relationship works. Kabhi Alvida Na kehna is for all of them, for my parents, maybe yours, for many children who remember misery in their parent’s lives due to unhappy marriages.

Coming back to the film, I liked the attempts to keep the subject light. The brilliance of the scene where SRK and Rani are cheating but jealous when they think their spouses are having an affair. In true blue KJ style, he brings grand sets, melodious music, conceptually treated songs (Tumhi Dekho na’s synchronicity of colours was a concept well executed). He tries to dish out eye candy in the form of Kajol, John Abraham and Arjun Rampal. While the first two do just fine, Arjun shows his hangovers and age unlike his earlier greek god looks. It proves my belief of you cannot take nature for granted come alive.

Interestingly, Karan pays tribute to many of his favourite cinematic moments and live anecdotes in the movie. The Harmless flirting of Kirron Kher and Amitabh Bachchan is a result of the big social gatherings of Punjabi/ Sindhi families where you are sure to be caught in crossfire of some such scenes. Also I couldn’t help but notice the usage of silhouettes of a man and woman, wet with rain and passion hugging just like Raj Kapoor and Nargis, but in true KJ style they were against the NY skyline.

And last but not the least, a special mention on Amitabh Bachchan. I am ot the one of his die hard fans and could notice that its only someone like Karan who can get the man to do roles like Sexxy Sam with such ease or else he is tuck up with his Baghban/ Waqt / Veer zaara kind of routine…

To sum it all, alpha male meets the pining female incomplete without his love, Years later when their imperfection and unattractiveness is at peak for the world, they find calm in one another. But as it happens in all Indian movies (the director knows it’s a Hindi movie after all) the good Samaritans and the faithful spouses dump the unfaithful one to lead a lonely life. The unfaithful ones have to regret their decision of being honest and confessing… believe me it was not for spending a night together.

It’s been a long blog but the short and appropriate end would be Kudos KANK, Kudos Karan.

I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this

Some moments sinking into feelings of love…
Restlessness and distress running through the veins of my days…
Proximity of your heart and intimacy of your body heat…
I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this

Only if distances between us didn't exist…
I loved you with my heart and soul…
I admired you every moment in my mind's eye…
I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this

My beloved, I would have given you my all just to hear you say it just once
Nostalgia struck me only to remind…
All the moments of my life when I loved and loved loving…
I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this

If we wouldn't have met ever, the sighs of my past would have stung me and my mirror would ask a thousand questions
It seems impossible to wait anymore for your arrival
My breaths would escape and I would be left lonely without you…
I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this
This wait wouldn't have lasted forever and I wouldn't be helplessly praying

The storm that we faced a while back, the destruction we encountered,
That surge would have taken us with its currents,
I wonder how it would be, if it wasn't like this
We wouldn't have lived just to see a glimpse of each other

Collective Karma

What forms a group of people?
A certain number of bodies, minds and souls.
What bonds them into cliques/ groups and societies?
Race, passion or maybe good ol’ Karma?

Having pondered over the ‘K” word time and again, I have one of my theories about collective consciousness called Collective Karma. Although I have been impressed upon by Neale Donald walsch’s Conversations with God and Shakti Gawains’s creative visualization , the bigger and clearer picture emerged with the whole volume of texts from Nicherin diashonin’s Buddhism and its followers.

The teachings of Nicherin Diashonin are based upon his inherent and unshakeable belief in the Law of cause and effect. But many of us do exactly what he did in 13th century but on a subconscious level. Whenever we say that there are no free lunches in life, we warn others of the consequence of their ignorance. When a doctor treats a patient and tells him symptoms and remedies. Each problem and its solution is based upon cause and effect.

When we speak of any topic under the sun, there is an element of cause and effect so intricately woven into it, that we cannot see it and believe that it does not exist. The computer that I write this on, your eyes, your education, your reading habits, your childhood, your birth, your parents, your country of origin and more- all of these are a endless series of manifestations of causes and their effects. The interesting bit is that most effects act as a further cause and that most causes have been effects of earlier causes… its an endless cycle. When you observe your life as a multiple level existence, each level has a visible pattern of causes and effects.

For example: when u see an old lady cross the road near your home in evening , you may never realize the number of permutations and combinations of causes and effects go behind making such a simple phenomenon and you would be comfortable in your ignorance. But this lady’s origin, her existence till date, her will to go onto the other side of the road, setting sun and the building from within which you see are all magnificent examples of creations within this universe that humbly participate and are governed by this law of cause and effect just like the law of gravity, the three dimensions & time.

Its just that the Greek system of logic which has been propagated in our education system, takes karma or the law of cause and effect to such a deep, internal level that its as underrated part of each one’s lives like blood flowing through your veins or air filling your lungs. We live in unconscious denial of its presence, but as soon as we are reminded of the pattern, its so strong and highly visible that we can no longer ignore it. So you may not realize that you have been drawn to this piece in a very mystic karmic way as a result/ effect of many causes- (thoughts, words and deeds) produced in your and my lives. Also that this may act as a catalyst( cause ) to many effects in our lives.. or atleast I hope so. Amen

New kid on the blog

I do not consider myself as a champion blogger & thereby look upon blogging with awe due to its tempting and addictive qualities that has affected millions across world- both real and virtual. Today before I take leap of faith over the fence and confirm my loyalty to the cult of bloggers, I use this space to introduce myself through what I call creative self-expression - writing for the laity ;)

Writing is something that fetches me my daily bread, butter and butter chicken, I prefer it more to other creative self expressive activities like dancing, singing or filmmaking, which take my fancy time to time but do not hold it enough to be pursued as a career. As far as my blogging qualifications go, I have been surfing online for quite sometime thanks to one of my early jobs as a content writer for a portal prior to dot com bubble burst. I wonder if you would remember a public service ad campaign that used to be aired on doordarshan in my childhood- " With a cigarette in my hand, I feel like a man". In my case, the same happens with a pen, keyboard or anything with which I can channel my thoughts, feelings and perceptions.

Personally, I look at blogs as one more welcome interface to share ideas, idols and idiosyncrasies. It reaffirms my faith in humanity that people still care for fellow beings, want to hear their voice, understand their thoughts and provide each other with much need, time, love and tenderness necessary to keep the human race together.

Today I merge two of my favourite areas of life, just like an experienced matchmaker or an M&A specialist -Internet and writing. These come together again after a gap of about 6 years but for something more consequential than chatting, professional emails or plain friendship testimonials. At this moment, I feel the joys of sweet surrender to the ever-growing tribe of bloggers and determine to walk alongside with them to newer horizons exploring each topic under the sun with precision and an unpredictable ever expanding spectrum of imagination.

But hey didn’t the dot com market crash long back. Yeah so I heard. King is dead long live the king... As a loyal servant worthy of virtual salt... I blog from today as my contribution to this amazing space created by humans to meet, greet and to share and care.

Blog - a four letter word

As I slowly gain more knowledge and exposure to blogging, my experiences and instincts tell me that blogs are just like anything else in life. It has its uses and abuses, upsides and flipsides. I only hope it is not cyclical like life or else the quality of my blog is going to nosedive soon and I cant do a thing about it. I read some blogs today and found them interestingly candid and beautiful.

As far as my blog goes, it’s an extension of my personality. Thus its verbose but does not let out a thing about my inner world. I am so guarded about my likes, my dislikes, my hopes, my dreams and desires that it is highly unlikely that I express them on such a public platform. Yes, I am a self confessed voyeurist but that remains at visual level and about getting eye candy rather than being one.

I haven’t yet figured my equation with attention. Although, like everybody else I like attention, most of the times I would rather be inconspicuous. I like to play it safe by revealing my inner thoughts only to a privileged circle of friends like any other scorpion. I must admit that I have a strange attraction to public domains like blogs where one can command attention but I shy away from putting up a great show.

Now that I accept it and acknowledge it, my task remains easier to apply the same knowledge. I have never been scared of trial and errors and thus I have had 6 job changes in last 8 years and at the age of 25 I preach like a priest, look like I am 18 and dance like no ones watching. A few nuggets or feathers in my caps that help me are my spiritual streak, movies and music.

Now that I have began opening up and warming up to this blog, I hope this online affair survives through thick and thin. Also that unlike real love that people curse after its out of their life, I don’t want to end up saying that Blog is just a four letter word

The Dream Scheme

Whats on your wishlist?

A dream car, a dream girl/ man… or just dreams.

I have been an avid pariticpant in the dreamathon as long as I remember. I have dreamt of mundane real life stuff, of my fears and insecurities coming true and even my deepest desires and loves.They have enthralled me, shocked me and even surprised me out of my wits. Dreams have been like a very personal movie collection. In each of them the flavour changes. Some times a heroic vistory awaits me and sometimes a mistake of my life that I want to avoid at any cost. But how much control do I have over these dreams and the feelings that they produce. Psychology says that I have complete control of it as these are messages of my psyche that I repress during the day and thus the subconscious expresses those hidden wishes, desires and fears like a projected movie when we are asleep.

I am not into controlling either self or others and believe in letting go and thus even in case of dreams I ask myself what are dreams worth in money? Would I pay to buy nicer dreams? Would I like to earn more and blow it all on buying better dreams or rather in actualizing them?

Currently I am running with a herd of humans all following their instincts blindly trusting it to lead them to real treasures that they have dreamed of. A fat pay cheque , a beautiful life partner… all of them are to be realized but before that what all of them must know and acknowledge is that it was they who created these dreams themselves and now are overwhelmed by it. Its like a monster controlling its master. Every dream has its destiny or fits into someone’s destiny… How do you use it … interpret it.. the choice is yours… As long as this choice to act upon a dream is more crucial than dreaming idly… I am with u on it… So lets dream away at nights and work in day to actualize and make a dream world… in reality

Forbidden Love and the roadmap to decriminalization of homosexuality in India

They say that my smiles of the morning after are illegal
I am criminal of seeking love in the wrong eyes,
Charged with finding comfort in the wrong caress
Raised eyebrows and misconceptions await me everyday in the eyes of some unknown and many familiar faces
Not guilty I mutter within my heart but never plead
I breathe as ever before and love as well … though forbidden


I tread the path that each mortal desires, the one of smiles, truth and love; the problem is that some co-passengers in my journey of life feel my walk needs correction. They demand that my rythematic gait be changed into a mundane of steps approved by social standards, which don’t threaten to tear the fibre of their moral fabric.

Simply speaking Section 377 of Indian Penal code looms large over my head whenever I think of my sexual identity. I like men, which is no crime in India Legally though the social system and the recent luckhnow incidents have resulted in newspaper Headlines like “Those guilty of Homosexual acts should be hung to death”. A bit too harsh- maybe but yes it is a reaction that stems out of fear for unknown.

I have always pondered about this kind of intolerance in society - be it sexuality, religion, economic or geographical biases. They all smell the same, reeking of a stench that emanates from discrimination and divides. Although, the need of the hour almost always has been to know the similarities and to draw parallels and make compromises.

The only solution that I see to the existing “legalization of homosexuality” issue is through dialogue. There have to be contributions from every member who wants to get homosexuality legalized. Sounds hunky dory and very utopian- yes I agree but when it comes to modus operandi and maintaining the comforts of closets for those who chose it, we can definitely begin with one healthy conversation at a time.

An important aspect of this dialogue process is the old and clichéd AIDA formulae used by the advertising world for eons. AIDA stands for a multiple step process that talks of attracting A-attention, evoking I-interest, generating D-desire and finally receiving A-Accrual or in this case A – acceptance from the citizens of India.

Before we move to the key message in the first phase of attention, here is some food for thought

Amongst the various prevalent norms in the society; most people welcome any custom that accepts rather than rejecting. Any country, person who even appears receptive generally has more chances of being popular. Be it roles of politician, writer, business magnet or a parent, the most successful people have always been identified by their acceptance for new knowledge, different perspectives and for listening.

As is the case with every existent thing on this planet, what we give comes back. When we treat others with discrimination, it boomerangs back into our life almost magically. Minorities in sexual preference, religious beliefs, economically, socially backward classes or various races, all hold equal amount of grudges, layers of mistrust and thereby the resultant misfortune too.

Fruits of sadism

It was nearing 2 hours past midnight and I stepped out of my favourite urban transport medium- the three tyre rickshaw to witness an almost empty street except for two students from the neighbourhood boy’s hostel, who were smoking near the gate.

I paid the rickshaw driver and held the phone between my tilted head and raised right shoulder as per my habit. With thousand thoughts about the party I had just left behind and the day I was supposed to begin next, I dialed number of a friend who insisted on knowing about my safe reach back home. Hi sweety the voice on other end said and I reacted very naturally with a Hey honey, I reached, You take care, good night etc. routine without even slightest awareness of the audience who was judging me. In the next 60 seconds of my small walk inside my building gate which is generally shut after midnight, I heard the word fruit coupled with laughter coming from my spectators who I guess were sore about not getting their version of eye candy – my neighbour and a page 3 celeb girl with voluptuous figure and tiny clothes who returns from her night prowls at this hour.

Even though I did not think any higher of them than the derogatory opinion they had expressed for me, I moved on almost as though I did not hear. From that day I have been thinking about the right reaction I should have/ could have given at that point of time.

I am sure most of us have encountered many such encounters of homophobia and intolerance daily. Each time, such an incident adds to the already sour tang left by the previous one but still I have been tolerant and silent till now except for giving a cold stare which communicates my disgust and also how invalid that comment proved after my non-reaction turned it into a damp squib.

I wonder sometimes, what causes one individual to seek sadistic pleasure in ridiculing the other one for the differences. Does it ever occur to those who laugh on others that someone somewhere will aim for them and they would be hurt by the same evil sadistic tendency to laugh at differences?

Life or something like that

As long as I can remember, I have sought life in all its forms, be it mind, body or the spirit. I am thankful to it for all the serendipities, challenges and lessons I have learnt till date. 

A bumpy joyride that I am getting used to now, life had its moments of joys, thrills, fun and horror. Some moments of fear felt like they would never end and the whole life would never be the same again and at a few others, when I felt love, I wanted them to last forever and my life to remain like that always. None of it happened but I wouldn’t trade any part of life for other. It’s the co-existence of these differences that make the whole experience so enriched and empowering simultaneously.

 My current pursuit is of a story and thus food for thought. An idle observer of life at times and active creator at others, my mind is restless with the plethora of opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead. I am comfortably numb wondering how mystical and magical is for life to unfurl its kaleidoscopic banner for me when I thought it was leading to nowhere. The brilliance of life remains in the fact that even in the most insignificant phases of one’s life, when on the surface there’s inactivity, it has many wondrous possibilities just waiting to be manifested, many new life forms to be discovered and many mysteries to be solved. 

The game is simple. The challenge is not only to survive but also to appear victorious, to achieve and excel. If you do so, you get many more brownie points or benefits. At this point, I seek an admission in university of my choice. It is my most cherished possession at stake, my capacity, ability to write, to express, to create and connect. This writing assignment will help the university in knowing me better, in judging my writing prowess and the mettle of my thoughts. It’s crucial now that I move beyond the hurts of heart and dreams of distant destinies, its time to create my tomorrow with these very hands. I take a deep breath and vow to break my writer’s block, which is one of the worst that has ever struck me. 

The enemy maybe strong but I know my will to conquer; my desire to defeat any obstacle to courageously counter the challenges is high. I begin today, with a fresh new approach as all the old seem to be outmoded, its time for life, for change. Its time to heal the deep gnashes of hurtful feelings towards those who had wandered into these situations unknown. It was my violent emotions that made them look like criminals of hurting me, when it was my expectations and my desires that made me react harshly to them.

 I pray now for a focus, clarity of thought and purpose. I determine to work towards these goals, one at a time. Here I stand, with arms stretched looking skywards as if embracing the universe and asking it the way to reach my destination, my handful of sky, lungful of life and dreams.

Glitter, gloss, candyfloss of yet another suburban gay party

I enter my meccah of sins after a long days work. Its not Amsterdam or Bangkok but a shady pub where my city's minority of alternative sexualities mingle amidst the myriad coloured lights and infinite layers of smoke. I see less but hear more about the various bizarre incidents in these improper lanes and the interesting people who cause it. The spectacle for me lies in ordinary but not in cliche. For me its an endless crowd of many known and some unknown faces in these backdoor gangways of Gay Bombay, while for most, it is an endless series of bodies repressed socially from indulgence. The choice of majority makes these parties an absolute marathon of sexual conquests, contact number exchanges, close dancing and above all kissing coupled with great sense of rhythm and movement unlike the Indian straight parties. A sight unseen by newbies and unwanted by the veterans, these gatherings of my cult invoke mixed feelings within me

Its not just bodies in a fancy discotheque, but their chemistries, their emotions and their stories that intrigue me. I would have many other parties to attend at that night, might even have an important presentation next day or a family function but I wont miss my fortnightly fare of Gay Bombay parties for any of these restrictions. I savour each sight, analyse each act and observe all the while, whether it is on the dance floor, where the couple next to me is lip locked and another slut is heading towards my date or at the bar where often my little touché is hit upon more than the cute bartenders.

As a result of years of social networking and a brain sharpened by my moms recommended routine diet of almonds, each time a familiar face passes by, his story and my opinions flash instantly in front of me. Their categorization and classification though discriminatory is a sublime experience for connoisseurs like me. I rejoice finding the right tag for each face, even though it may mean customizing a phrase to arrive at a Slutty Savio, Motormouth Michael or Ravishing Rohit. Not aimed at writing a bitter diatribe about the Mumbai's black listed rainbow commune of queers, its a harmless exercise that helps me decide the peripheries of my circle of comfort. I don't know about you, but for me judging a person from his vibes, body language, grooming and more isn't as interesting as this practice of scrutinising him when his thresholds are low after consuming a heady mix of alcohol, eye candy, testerone, party spirit and dance mixes. this is when the basic instinct predates over the night prowler ruling his head for one deepest desire of that night, maybe booze, sex, attention from a cute unknown muscle mary or a space to stand with an optimum view of the dance floor.

You can also say its my way of association through which a quick gaze turns into a scan of probabilities in a room full of strangers, be it for conversations, debates, friendships, kisses or a serious relationship. This is the moment of clarity for those who believe that a man's true nature is revealed in bed... or atleast as he gets closer to it.

Unlike, the veterans in this game who often go sour, I look forward to stepping on the dance floor meeting each one of them, no matter what my tag had been. When it comes to shaking my booty to the gay anthems, I hold no discriminating process or make any distinction from the high pitch shrieks of crowds cheers reflecting their upbeat mood and contagious enthusiasm. Its that time where the lavatory cruisers, sugar daddy seekers, slaves looking for masters, bottoms looking for tops all get lost in the frenzy of the moment. A moment of unification of sinners and sins, of bodies and heart beats, of music and mayhem. The moment when my my mecca echoes with sounds of its rituals in full furore and leaves me with an idea to leave the labels behind right where they belong.....on the food tins