One world outside and within

I have lived in the self indulgent bliss of thinking that the world of thoughts and feelings within me is completely separated from the world outside, where I talk, socialize, love, win and lose. I look at the endless crowd at a Mumbai beach close to my home, sitting as couples families and friends and can’t help but think how many of them would have gone through a similar phase in life, where in the thoughts and feelings harboured inside were kept from being expressed.

I am on my way to treat my family to a lunch at city’s posh eatery, something that has not been done before. But today at the age of 26, I see my parents nearing 60 years of their lives, still struggling and living within a marriage that has lasted 32 years with just a few happy moments and memories. I have kept them away from my inner world for long, even moved out of my home 4 years back for the declaration of my need for space and individuality.

I arrive early at the decided venue before my parents and my sister and book the table with the air of arrogance that they are late and also that they wouldn’t know their way around this place. I make a reservation and settle on a bench when I see my father and he gives a smile that I return almost as if I am doing a favour.

While he calls my sister to find where have they reached I ponder whether anger, love and guilt when unexpressed and unfulfilled really vanish under wraps with a quaint smile or silence? Is this garb impenetrable as we think of it to be? Does the silent sibling rivalry crop up as adultery? Does backstabbing a friend result from an unexpressed compliment about new dress? Does the devil within your head work more slyly and stealthily than the angel who needs you to act on your good will? Isn’t the scary silhouette outside the manifestation the dark fears within our minds?

As we proceed to our table as soon as my mother and sister arrive to complete our nuclear family like many others sitting at an arms distance from us in the cramped space.The service is as prompt as any authentic Thali joint with 12 waiters serving 36 dishes or more in 3 minutes flat, leaving you amazed at the feat that they pull simply and charmingly. The whole routine coupled with delicious food and presence of loved ones brings smiles naturally to all members on my table. Warmth of the moment thaws ice for me and I smile too, but this time looking at their satisfaction at a simple gesture of treating them to a not so fancy meal.

I dwelve within mentally for a reality check on why did I move away from these smiles if they bring me so much of peace and are worth cherishing. Realisation dawns on me that I fear staying with them because of my own discomfort with their ways which I associate to being unrelatable. Have they never felt the passive aggression of my rebellion against the norms they advocate? Right from the grunge attire to choice of career and lifestyle contrasting to theirs is not a co-incidence. I am enlightened in a flash then.

I can see that all the causes I made subconsciously at the thought and feeling level resulted in the bitterness before as I acted on them sooner or later. The silence that I thought dealt with them, didn’t actually end them. Just like a cat does not go away if the pigeon shuts his/ her eyes, a problem does not get solved unless we act on it.

Every discomfort, unhappiness and suffering has a route in our indecision and inaction or dearth of will to see the truth. When we seek the answers for problems outside within us, we are sure to find a thread that lead to the action, maybe a thought, a hurt, an encouragement, a misunderstanding. Though intangible, these things do manifest into world outside. If we see a visible pattern that harms, it is just a question of letting it go and to create new cause.

I cleaned my conscience and got rid of my biases as I washed my hands. The disease was gone. After taking care of the bill, impulsively I took my sister and mother shopping for daily groceries at the biggest Hypermall of Mumbai. For once, I was there to buy happiness not for me but for my family without any grudge. My world was turning inside out. The catalyst was within and the change started there as well but I saw the glint in eyes outside. I wasn’t missing my ignorant bliss at this moment but silently celebrating the knowledge gained.

On my way back home, I am sure that these fundamental patterns deeply etched within my own life however upsetting remain true. I wonder how many such inconsequential and illogical beliefs have seats within mine and everyone else’s psyche. Reaching back to threshold my home, I determine to harmonize my worlds with every thought inside and action outside