I knew my destination but did not know the way to get there. All I could think about was the end i.e. meeting him after forever and maybe for the final time. Soon I bargained like a citizen of Telangana region and rattled all the names of landmarks and vicinities that R had sent in his email guiding me how to get to his hotel.
My heart was beating fast and my mind swung between why I had agreed on this trip which was completely insane and all the insecurities I had conducted for an abstract four letter emotion called love. I knew that right at this moment, he was away at dinner with the family of a girl he had chosen to be his life partner. Somehow I was devoid of even thinking how much I had longed to meet his family especially his mother who he compared with me day in and day out when we were together.
It didn’t matter anymore. I was soaked in his fears of not being accepted, of not getting what he seeks from the depths of his heart and of not finding a way out of a life he leads into a life he desires. I didn’t know how and I yet don’t know when the realisation had seeped in that I cannot be happy unless he is.
I was soaked in his fears of not being accepted, of not getting what he seeks from the depths of his heart and of not finding a way out of a he life he leads into a life he desires. I stopped the driver at a medical store, bought a deo and somehow found myself for the first time in life asking for a packet of condoms. It wasn’t as if I was readying myself for the big night of romping, when I had exactly 8 hours to spend with him apart from the to and fro from the airport
It was a sheer wish to be with him in every possible way this last time that made me pass a chasm of my self imposed taboo and lines that I had drawn throughout our relationship. All of it had past its validity date and reasons
I reached the hotel before he was back in his room and thus I was early by a good 30 minutes for him to end one of his most crucial evenings and for me to see him. The time passed under the gaze of a receptionist who saw me casually dressed and cherubic faced at one of the top business hotels of
Browsing through the pages of ‘Brothers Karamazov' and praying for everything to go well, I passed, minutes by repeatedly glancing at my watch and listening to songs on an ipod, which he had gifted me years back and which I hadn’t separated from myself even for a day.
Anxiety got better of me as I couldn’t even call him to check and risk putting him in a spot. Our meeting had turned clandestine and we were now in rendezvous of different sorts from our earlier affair. I walked out and decided to take a quick look at the hotel premises only to find myself seeing every car that came with the hope of his arrival.
After a while and when the car count reached about a dozen, he arrived with his future family. I was far but could make out that he was extremely happy with the force in his handshake with the girl's father and the vigour of his farewell wave of hands to say goodbye to the girl's brother.
Somehow I couldn’t see the one who was now supposed to play my part in his life. They left and I found myself impressed by his preparations to impress with a black dinner jacket and formal trousers et al. something very rare that he would reserve for do-or-die affairs.
I was glad he was giving his all to this relationship. I found myself surrounded by a strange contentment with this knowledge. He was proceeding fast towards lifelong happiness rather companionship from the looks of it. I was satisfied looking at him taking that leap, driving an extra mile without begrudging anything or maybe it was just the discovery of that peaceful space within me where I buried my restlessness and anxieties springing from not seeing him for a long time but wanting to do so all this while.
I was almost hidden by the plants standing as just an anonymous silhouette in the dark night. What I saw was his happily ever after without me in it. This made me more conscious of the awkwardness of the situation I was in.
I didn’t know for the first time what to say to him. I didn’t have to. He turned to me in spite of his future in laws being within the sight. He walked towards me with his million dollar smile while I was melting from within from the heat of various thoughts running in my head and a rush of blood to my heart having seen him finally and of course the hot June breeze of the
He embraced me tight and more than being glad that he did so, I wanted him to ensure that his future life partner wouldn’t see us. It would be really awful if any of his desires got ruined because of me or us. In a minute after the Reddy family had disappeared into countless patches of green surrounding the hotel, his grip hadn’t loosened and I found myself responding.
I clutched him right under the gaze of receptionist and the doorman who had been observing me for a while continuously trying to figure the story. I closed my eyes and did not want to open them ever again. This was my moment. This was my love and its last night
(To be continued in next part)
