Pink Floyd might have been happy being comfortably numb. I wasn't. It had been 5 years since Don's death, my shifting out to live alone and being out selectively. A lot had had changed apart from the sword hanging on heads of all those with alternative sexual preference. Like an orange eater being judged in a world where eating apples was the norm, I saw IPC section 377's implication on two consensual adults having same sex relationship as silly, old school, apalling, insignificant - all by turns in these years.
I was working under industry veterans and learning tricks of the marketing communication & media sales trade oblivious to life apart from my hectic schedule. It was great yet whenever I heard comfortably numb, its lines drilled something deep within. The lack of spark of wishing for more engulfed me
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying
Yes, there was a smoke screen between lives of people like me and the babus sitting in government offices who either thought sexual minorities can be labeled as perversion and criminalized or thought only right way of acknowledging our presence in society is when speaking of HIV / aids.
At nights, I would silently mourn the death of my consciousness. Some bits of my conscience lived on though. I would get up and attend a chat show to educate people once in a year, be unafraid to talk to journalist, click pictures and give real name with my views but in my eyes, it was never enough. At work and in social circles, I came out to those who matter and made it a point to stand tall annoyingly in the face of those who bullied others for being effeminate or just moving their hands a lot when talking.There was little progress in the way same sex relationships were shown in Indian movies or television. There was a rare joke about a gay person without the stereotype and media had not yet built up this issue as we struggled to identify couples who are out and parents who would speak under guise of anonymity . At such times, a celeb who would have guts to admit his alternative sexuality was rare to find (not that now there are many)
In 2007 at a famous book awards after party which my firm was managing, I had a chance meeting with Vikram Seth - the acclaimed author who had won that night. Just a few months back in October 2006, he had signed an open letter in support of human rights in India for Same sex relationships not being subjected to criminal law. It was sheer curiousity of knowing what made a famous person like him come out as bisexual and support our movement while he stayed in United Kingdom comfortable that made me walk upto him and say hello. I had decided that if he didn't wish to speak about the topic, i would let it be. When the throngs of fans of his work had gotten busy into drinking and eating, I walked upto his table and waited for an aspiring author to leave. After basic introduction, I was surprised that Mr. Seth refused to let go of me for more than 30 minutes when I mentioned the letter and that I am in touch with LGBTHIQ rights workers in Mumbai. He generously offered to keep in touch via snail mail as he wasn't in habit of checking emails those days and he wanted this information directly rather than us corresponding via his agent after weeks / months of delay. Living under shadow of the dark law seemed alright for that one moment of reassurance of humility and earnesty displayed by him. Much to amusement of my colleagues on his way out, Mr. Seth made a point to ask for me and talk before leaving. Something within me changed that day. Call it leap of faith or change of priorities, what you may but my life is divided by that brief encounter
Life moved on but I started paying attention to developments on LGBT rights front. Rather than just reading emails and attending GB meets, I decided to go one step further. I remember the first time I entered an NGO office in far off suburb - Kurla where my slippers got stolen from outside the door when inside there were 80 people attending the meet before 2008 pride parade. I was a mute spectator from event management background who found asking permissions to spend meagre 1000 rupees from funds on stationary as funny. I had no clue of fund raising efforts or Mumbai LGBTHIQ scene then. Rest of the evening is a blur except for 60 feet rainbow flag being ready for Pride and us opening it - playing under it like little kids forgetting who is Hijda and who is a famous women's right lawyer or an expat teaching us the international ways to do waste management and go green while protesting.
The day of pride soon arrived and I volunteered to be media co-ordinator. Right from telling attendees where to stand to checking the megaphone (which never worked) to carrying tables that were tied to make a stage, I remember being quick on my feet. After initial round of speeches, we unfurled the giant rainbow flag and took positions under various banners of organisations we supported. Those 2 kms we walked were the zenith of happiness I had ever experienced. I loved the riot of colours and rhythm of nashik dhol on which we danced in middle of mumbai roads. I can never forget sashaying under the giant rainbow flag and walking down to chowpatty under police protection that one day while onlookers admired us and wondered what the hell was on.
It was not just a protest against being a statistic who is marginalised, it was a celebration of our own selves without any mask. The only way I would be comfortably numb that evening would be after endless dancing with new friends I had made. That day i knew it was my choice to break barriers and open up to new experiences. The ones that life would bring and the ones that IPC section 377 would show :) (To be continued)
I was working under industry veterans and learning tricks of the marketing communication & media sales trade oblivious to life apart from my hectic schedule. It was great yet whenever I heard comfortably numb, its lines drilled something deep within. The lack of spark of wishing for more engulfed me
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying
Yes, there was a smoke screen between lives of people like me and the babus sitting in government offices who either thought sexual minorities can be labeled as perversion and criminalized or thought only right way of acknowledging our presence in society is when speaking of HIV / aids.
At nights, I would silently mourn the death of my consciousness. Some bits of my conscience lived on though. I would get up and attend a chat show to educate people once in a year, be unafraid to talk to journalist, click pictures and give real name with my views but in my eyes, it was never enough. At work and in social circles, I came out to those who matter and made it a point to stand tall annoyingly in the face of those who bullied others for being effeminate or just moving their hands a lot when talking.There was little progress in the way same sex relationships were shown in Indian movies or television. There was a rare joke about a gay person without the stereotype and media had not yet built up this issue as we struggled to identify couples who are out and parents who would speak under guise of anonymity . At such times, a celeb who would have guts to admit his alternative sexuality was rare to find (not that now there are many)
In 2007 at a famous book awards after party which my firm was managing, I had a chance meeting with Vikram Seth - the acclaimed author who had won that night. Just a few months back in October 2006, he had signed an open letter in support of human rights in India for Same sex relationships not being subjected to criminal law. It was sheer curiousity of knowing what made a famous person like him come out as bisexual and support our movement while he stayed in United Kingdom comfortable that made me walk upto him and say hello. I had decided that if he didn't wish to speak about the topic, i would let it be. When the throngs of fans of his work had gotten busy into drinking and eating, I walked upto his table and waited for an aspiring author to leave. After basic introduction, I was surprised that Mr. Seth refused to let go of me for more than 30 minutes when I mentioned the letter and that I am in touch with LGBTHIQ rights workers in Mumbai. He generously offered to keep in touch via snail mail as he wasn't in habit of checking emails those days and he wanted this information directly rather than us corresponding via his agent after weeks / months of delay. Living under shadow of the dark law seemed alright for that one moment of reassurance of humility and earnesty displayed by him. Much to amusement of my colleagues on his way out, Mr. Seth made a point to ask for me and talk before leaving. Something within me changed that day. Call it leap of faith or change of priorities, what you may but my life is divided by that brief encounter
Life moved on but I started paying attention to developments on LGBT rights front. Rather than just reading emails and attending GB meets, I decided to go one step further. I remember the first time I entered an NGO office in far off suburb - Kurla where my slippers got stolen from outside the door when inside there were 80 people attending the meet before 2008 pride parade. I was a mute spectator from event management background who found asking permissions to spend meagre 1000 rupees from funds on stationary as funny. I had no clue of fund raising efforts or Mumbai LGBTHIQ scene then. Rest of the evening is a blur except for 60 feet rainbow flag being ready for Pride and us opening it - playing under it like little kids forgetting who is Hijda and who is a famous women's right lawyer or an expat teaching us the international ways to do waste management and go green while protesting.
The day of pride soon arrived and I volunteered to be media co-ordinator. Right from telling attendees where to stand to checking the megaphone (which never worked) to carrying tables that were tied to make a stage, I remember being quick on my feet. After initial round of speeches, we unfurled the giant rainbow flag and took positions under various banners of organisations we supported. Those 2 kms we walked were the zenith of happiness I had ever experienced. I loved the riot of colours and rhythm of nashik dhol on which we danced in middle of mumbai roads. I can never forget sashaying under the giant rainbow flag and walking down to chowpatty under police protection that one day while onlookers admired us and wondered what the hell was on.
It was not just a protest against being a statistic who is marginalised, it was a celebration of our own selves without any mask. The only way I would be comfortably numb that evening would be after endless dancing with new friends I had made. That day i knew it was my choice to break barriers and open up to new experiences. The ones that life would bring and the ones that IPC section 377 would show :) (To be continued)
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