To love or not to love (It was love part 3 - Finale)

“Long time! God, just look at yourself” he said.

I couldn’t decipher whether he meant it in a good way or bad. Breaking away from embrace I looked at him in the eyes and was sure that he wanted just to express how good it was to see me finally. It wasn’t about me turning skinnier or fat (our heated debates about my unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits were the last thing on my list when I planned this impromptu trip).

Lost in my thoughts I could just respond to him to begin the conversation but impatience got better of me.“How have you been?” was all that I could come up with. The devil within me was chortling at the irony. The most romantic gesture of my lifetime just went kaput due to a meek pick up line but who has ever required to impress his / her soul mate.

We moved quickly from the lobby to his room, which was warmly lit and cosy, surprisingly arranged like his bedroom (in what used to be our home in Bangalore). Since we both were ending our days, after small talk about the journey, return time and the wait I have had, we began settling on the couch. I headed for a shower while he decided to speak to his sister and mom, who would be excited about the outcome of his soiree.

I could overhear him talk anxiously about her parents and their thoughts about this matrimony. Amidst water jets and the gushing sounds, I drowned my regrets of him being with her in his thoughts even now. I cleansed myself of the insecurities of sharing him tonight with S in spite of her absence by lathering my aroma therapy body wash generously on my small form.

I stepped out fresh and dressed in shorts to find him changed into his nightwear much like our nights back at Bangalore. He had finished his conversation and was surfing channels trying to find some cartoons as he always liked. I walked past him, opened the window and lit up a cigarette overlooking the poolside soaking in the serene view in spite of the noise of television. As per my habit, next step would be turning on mellow music and sitting for a long conversation but I did not act on my impulse to do so but invited him to join me in looking up and playing join the dots with stars in the sky.

He invited me in return to sit next to him on the bed with a pat on the mattress and I went almost without a thought to be by his side on the white giant only to ask him about food, which he had of course had but I had avoided on the flight due to my restlessness. He opened the fridge, handed me the nuts kept on top of it knowing my fondness for salted cashew nuts and asked me “I don’t have vodka here but beer. Would you have it or want me to order vodka for you in spite of your early flight in case you intend missing it”

His cheeky remark made me loosen up and I reverted with “You are like one of those stingy hosts!” He mumbled “Buddhu Bachcha” – his nickname for me, which I hadn’t heard forever. At that very moment, I moved past all my fears that anyone can ever take away from us what we share – our bond, our friendship, our chemistry and our love.

We sipped our drinks and spoke of our lives and plans ahead facing each other on the bed for the next hour or so obviously knowing that the clock was ticking and our time together was reducing with every movement of its hands.

I was tired from whole day’s work and by now was resting with a pillow below my legs and one behind my back when he moved and placed himself instead of the pillow behind me. Soon we were pressed against each other and it happened. We kissed. An electric bolt ran up my spine by surreal nature of this moment. I had wanted it to happen ever since we broke up or rather from the time I had left him behind at Bangalore before he moved back to States a few years back. None of my kisses ever since were as true as this one. It was happening now and I was kind of numb with disbelief till I snapped out and showered him with all I had in store for him.

I did not want to waste a moment in sleeping this night but my body didn’t permit. I woke up so many times in the night just to feel him lying next to me, his warmth, his eyes and his body were all mine for the last time unless life had saved any of its miracles to get us back together. But wasn’t this a miracle. I was celebrating life and all it has to offer without regret. I kissed his forehead while he was asleep and said I love you in his sleeping ears, hugged him and went back to sleep only to wake up in morning and find him ready.

He couldn’t come to leave me to airport but this time the hotel car was waiting for me. He had called for it thoughtfully- one of his traits that I just adored was that surprises and gifts run naturally in his system. In the next 15 minutes of repacking and giving 100 advices for him to take care, I embraced him a few times but surprisingly there was no longing or pain of final farewell. He walked me to the car. I bid him goodbye and smiled my way to the airport and in flight. Sun was shining more brightly than yesterday somehow and I was listening to ‘Someday’ by MLTR on the iPod he had gifted. Suddenly I got goose bumps and my heart swelled with joy of the knowledge that I had something no one can ever snatch or threaten, something beyond the control of whole universe and its forces – my love and ability to decide to love or not to love. Thankfully I had decided in favour of it and stuck by its results and its end. Would I love again? Well, for sure, yes.