Back from the 3rd gear lane of life

It was a moment that made me change the speed of my life... the momentum of my being. Nearly a year back, I packed my bags from the slow lane of being just an event conceptualiser and a freelance writer to be more. I didn’t exactly know what more was and how much more I could be but handling additional responsibility of being a business development and client servicing person along with the ideator/ writer seemed like a correct direction. Just like all visions and dreams, this too needed me to replace and redirect all I had for getting where I wanted to be with a faint promise of being happier when I get there. After many events, promotions, pitches, nights of staying back at work, losing cell phones, developing one sleeping disorder and numerous cavities, adding reckless partying and vacationing to my leisure choices, putting up with clients who are either impossible or insane, it seems more can never be enough for us humans.

I had jumped on to the rollercoaster ride for thrills, expecting the change from the mundane, knowing that the time that it lasts, I will have to put up my brave face. I will have to give it my all – courage, alertness, alternative reflexes as per my comfort at times and as the moment requires at others. I am writing after forever. Not that endless number of presentations, proposals, half hearted drafts of scripts that some producer wanted me to write, some dialogues for a veteran dance guru’s own show on television teaching Indians how to dance, didn’t count... just that for me that was auto pilot.

It was my need for money writing some of those and need to stay on the job doing a few, a desire to prove myself to the colleagues and superiors pulling off some smart cocktail documents which tasted nice to them. I went by their guts, sold it on prices that I feel suit it, and stretched myself to be able to pull off a series of seemingly impossible manoeuvres one after another, consistently.

Sometimes, I was crowned amidst thundering sound of applause and at others leashed like a slave with some choicest abuses echoing in the air. It is only last week when for 3 days I could pause my life and stopped filling my overflowing platter of activities planned or unplanned. I could look back at like this diwali and finally put a finger on what was decreasing throughout the period of increased fame, power, capabilities, social network, collection of books, DVDs, clothes and friends.
It dawned on me this week that my exhaustion has reached its peak as I chose fear and insecurities to fuel my speed more than love and trust. The more I venture further towards my dreams in this manner, the more I will be uncomfortable. I know now that it isn’t only about reaching the destination fastest, it is about the quality. No matter how much I cherish the childlike wish of growing up as soon as I can and doing all that I want just today, it won’t be worth it. I have to make a choice. I have to let go of some dreams and chose the ones that give me a better journey – a more fulfilled life with chances to blog a few times every week. The one in which, when I decide to write a story, it would not be because a TV channel wants me to pitch for their next big show. It might be just because a story needs to be told. The one in which bank balance isn’t the only measure for success in life.

I am back today. I say that not because I have quit being in my job. I am a project leader now- a senior resource in a niche venture of a global giant. My income has nearly doubled on paper and so has my credit. Last year, I was in my late twenties trying to find a suitable master’s degree as my Post graduate diploma didn’t seem impressive enough to me. This year, I am nearer to thirties and find my patience with the wannabes missing when I enter a classroom now to teach as a guest faculty. My friends are matchmaking me to ugly guys who I dread to call but my faith remains that with a tiny fix in my head, I can surely reach my zenith of a happy, fulfilled life by changing gears and shifting lanes again. It’s only about keeping time, love and tenderness before everything.

My struggle continues but the realisation has seeped in. Recklessness has to be balanced with responsibility with a moment of care, of getting off the Ferris wheel of complications and taking refuge in a quiet dawn by the sea peering at the sun smiling on the faces of friends who were there by my side through this madness.