Lights, Rights and Fights of a Suburban Life

21 grams is the exact weight you lose from your body when you stop breathing; rather living and reduce to a mere body; rather corpse. Is that the weight of human life?

That's a question posed by a movie, which I saw a few years back. I remember very little about the movie but this question has remained at back of my head ever since. I have got answers to it partially time and again but the complete picture I guess will emerge only in final years of my life or at least I hope so.

I am writing today after long as amidst a usual day full of struggles to reach work on time, meeting client deadlines, work handed down by boss, catching up with friends over phone or in person as something unusual happened and I asked this again

We had just finished our dinner rather left it in between and walked out after finding a family of roaches resting in the bread basket of a famous mughlai restaurant not far from my home (we didn't pay them a dime of course). A minute after expressing my disapproval over my NRI friend's holier than thou views about India and its need to improve spurred by the dinner incident that a speeding truck brushed past him pretty close and parked a minute ahead.

I don't know what got into me and I rushed to the truck instead of my friend leaving him with another colleague who he has never met before in his life. I stood in front of the giant vehicle and began yelling full blast at the driver on the deserted road well past midnight. The guy who was definitely under the influence of alcohol, was looking amused at my act as my friend had no visible injuries and he wasn't the one who was making the noise.

I did not hit the man and began making him understand where his fault lies. He had not honked or blinked his lights and was oblivious to the fact that in his steep turn he has not made his super close parking but nearly hit someone who was saved by a microsecond by my colleague who pulled my friend very briefly from a larger harm.

For a person like me who follows a philosophy aiming at world peace - Nicherin Daishonin's Buddhism , this would seemingly be contradictory to his beliefs. it is not so in fact. I made a scene and noise enough to gather an audience of 5-6 people including two rickshaw guys and snatched the driver's ringing phone which he was more focused on. He was non-chalant about the whole episode and was standing proudly with his arm stretched over the bonnet of this large automobile.

I flung at him all that he could do in any such situations and reacted to each of his arguments about not knowing Hindi, which he was surprisingly saying in Hindi. He followed it up with his attempt to play the local Marathi language card, which was again busted as I am conversant and fluent in the language. This was followed by his over the top claim that he would pay 10 - 12 thousand rupees whatever the cost of medical damage and come to police station with me after calling his boss.

I refused to budge over his half hearted sorry mumbled with no remorse what so ever. He was more worried about delay in dumping of goods that he had been carrying for the night. My anger was mounting by the minute and I was now manhandling him to get into a rickshaw and at the same time asking him if he has realised what he has done to which he retorted with a very desi "it happens" statement. That nailed it and I stopped right there and began again on twice my earlier voice. It wasn't just his mistake but more so his attitude that made me aggressive. I was downright close enough looking at him in the eye, inches from his face and hurling away to glory about his attitude. My problem was with his excuses, which were coming by the minute and piling up.

The man was not yet convinced of his mistake and the spectators began butting in trying to take my side and every time I said I would have hit him but I want him not to do something like this again, he gave me " don’t make a issue where there is none, your friend is alive" look.

I refused to relent till I hear the man admit and realise the impact of his action rather than cocky, half hearted apologies which were coming few and far in between his arguments of how honking horn would have irritated us who were from rich families and so he did not do it before turning the truck. The driver had to apologise since I gave him no other option.

He came up with a “Are you hurt?” and I looked back sharply. I saw my friend who was hurt and was now tired as he saw no point in continuing and the other one who was just waiting for me to begin hitting this man

As much as I yelled, the crowd nearby agreed and supported me by talking to the driver about what I was saying a while back i.e. his options like honking the horn or applying brake or blinking lights during the turn. I let him go but informed him about how he has to change and learn to accept his mistakes or else him and his truck would never have a good effect back and would end up leading a very sorry life as it took him good 20 minutes, public reactions and my refusal to hand his phone to him which he wanted badly. By the looks of it, he was more concerned about his calls rather than the human life that we were talking about.

It was then I handed him back his cell phone and told the guy that I wish that he changes his ways or else what has been averted today would happen and when his family runs around to get him out of jail, his boss – the contractor he was calling would actually make him realise what he has not.

We left and walked ahead to cool our heads with a drink of coffee we were originally seeking but decided to go to our respective homes instead.

Any other person would say that our day had ended on not so good note but I differ, all that happened reassured me to carry on my quest to find my answer. What is the actual weight of life? How much does it matter? How do we instil this knowledge of holding our lives as treasures of hope, dreams, love and everything there is to being alive? How do we make humans more humane?

I smoked thoughtlessly , walking towards my home which is close by and realised that I have to find out the way of talking to each of these truck drivers from within my boss, my friends, my family, my city, my country, the world and within myself. The dialogue has to continue. My task does not end at confrontation. My task is to continue holding the knowledge that human life is precious and to convert it into wisdom into my sphere of work. I have to insure my events, not to overlook the fire norms or medical attention for cost cutting. I have to stop compromising rather neglecting the voice within.

It is me who gives life its weight, its meaning. It is me who makes it what its worth. It’s us who chose with our daily lives every moment whether our 21 grams would be used to awaken the struggle to give living its dignity, it’s worth by keeping the human life at the forefront of whatever we do.

I have my answer now and assure you that I would do my best to make my 21 grams of life worth it.

Triangle of hearts (continued and completed)

The three disappointed souls now headed to sit by the sea. S had been driving for the past two hours and the other two i.e. me & A were guiltily sitting alongside wondering what we could do to ease the blow of the unexpected anti-climax.

It seemed as if we were collaboratively mourning not being able to attend one Gay Bombay party where we would meet the much known faces and be disgusted by the overtly lusty ambiance. Its as if our skewed equations didn’t matter as much for the moment as the great loss of not being able to dance to the music we would crib about later while calling the DJ names and swearing not to attend more such parties any more. But our behavior had less to do with vanity and more the disappointment of not having any other venues to party as queer individuals.

S said something about all the promises he made to friends of seeing them at the party and I got reminded of all my favourite faces who would have helped me forget this uneasy feeling of being a loser and it struck me that all of us were looking for an escape route to forget our troubles and our selves in the loud music, drinks and company of acquaintances, newbies and friends. The slow sad songs being played on radio were definitely not helping in getting over that void we were feeling together and we parked at the beginning of Mumbai’s famous scenic sea facing road stretch, aptly called the Queen’s necklace. A said, forget the party, we three should enjoy what we have right now, the beautiful sea and raising his collar he completed, beautiful people.

I had drifted to times when I was more like A in life. It was a time when I was guilt free. Flirting was for fun and if one person showed any remote symptoms of rejection, I pole vaulted into another fancier love relation with skill of a trained athlete and grace of a passionate dancer. Like a rock made brittle by waves and sun, my spirit too was dampened by my scorpion trait of obsession and self destruction. I looked up at the clear sky cussing at the stars and was suddenly aware of the thick air once more.

This was time for he shaman within me to try and heal the wounds. I took charge of the decision making process of where in Mumbai would this love triangle with three asymmetrical angles fit in at this hour. The empty streets reflected our idle minds and dim street lights, the tinge of sadness of change in plans. I asked S & A in quick successions “what next?” trying to salvage the situation and attempting to look excited at the prospect of any of the now chosen compromises instead of the GB party

A told us that he had curfews and that he had lied to his family to come today for the party. Since he wasn’t allowed to remain out late. He wanted to return this time, so that he could actually party the next time. Aha, my thoughts went. It was a eureka moment, so that was the secret of maintaining a princess like aura around him – exclusivity. So S, who thinks he is a prince, finds his perfect match in princess A, the one who is forbidden by her family to fall in love but she still risks it for the sake of her Prince “Balding”

Do you want to eat something? Asked A and pulled my cheek. His display of affection towards me was perplexing as he was not remotely the kind of person I would date or hang out with. I nodded my head in affirmative to him and turned to S to ask if we would head towards our regular haunt, just to realize that no matter who would be with S in middle of the night looking for a snack, he would be taken to the hang out clearly etched as ours. A agreed to eat by the street side at what was no longer “our haunt’

As we moved further back towards home, now speeding on the empty streets of suburbs, I changed the music to soulful classic Hindi/ Urdu ghazals, high on sentiment quotient. Though being sentimental or emotional was the last thing on my mind, I began humming the lyrics and trying to savour the whiffs of breeze against my face and my body, which was already exposed to the ac S had turned on full blast to avoid the heat if the moment. S looked at me and who are you thinking of while you sing these lines, which of your ex do you remember this way?

That was like rubbing salt over my burns and making me feel highly aware of the wide chasm between us in spite of sitting at less than an arm’s distance

I reacted coldly but with furious look of eyes “which one of my ex do you think I made this song compilation for, so that they can hear it in their car?

There was a silence in the car for the next minute or so for me to realize that I had confessed maybe for the first time to S in person (had told him on phone, smsed it and more). That too in front of my worthy contender for hopefully the last time.

After about a dozen non-stop sneezes A came to my rescue and offered a massage to help me feel better.

In this vulnerable state I looked at S, who would have been against me giving in to A’s advances otherwise. He seemed fine with me accepting help for the sake of health. Sneezing and simultaneous thinking stopped for a while as A began without waiting for my approval.

His warm hands did not feel like the ones which would strangle me for loving and lusting over his guy. As he progressed from nape of my neck to my spine, His hands slipped under my see=through mess tee and Soon one of his hands was feeling my nipples. I hit his hand twice as vocalizing my discomfort would add to S’s twisted expression arising from a man in his car feeling the other one up in full public view. Also, the biggest factor was that he had been sidelined by those two people who treated him like sex magnet always – irresistible and must. I thanked A after two minutes not because I wasn’t enjoying the neck rub or wanted to eat but just to stop embarrassing S

“Thanks A. lets find whatever happened to our food’

He smiled and asked S to do the needful and suggested me a remedy that helped him in cold. I looked at him amusingly as he was good at getting under people’s skin, warm and giving> Damn S was a lucky man, but it was the kind of luck you don’t wish your best friend to have as this would take him away from you.

By the time S was back, A had spoken about his skills as a masseur, S’s inability to learn the same and also about a certain occasions when he and S were supposedly in bed with individuals or groups

What S and orgy! I felt a shriek of my inner voice nearly jump out of my lips but I didn’t give in. S always told me that he disliked any kinds of threesomes or four ways. Was that a lie? Did he find me too unattractive for a three way?

Then it slowly hit me, S loved this guy so much that he was ready to go through pain at the place where pleasure is of utmost importance. S arrived with food and A’s misplaced attention shone once again as he fed me first and the he fed S too. While S fed A with that glint in the eye. I absolutely wait the evening for, A winked at me and dropped a bombshell. He proposed” Lets share everything like we are sharing the food”

Then he looked at S and said do you have any problems if we do so

S had lost the glint and was trying to look elsewhere, when in real it was visible how the people closest to us can hurt us the most even with just a few words. He was vulnerable and simultaneously liked the way conversation had humour,sex and love pot pourried to perfection. I didn’t know about him but I wanted to see it for sure now what was next in A’s arsenal. Before I realized we were heading towards the god forsaken interiors of my suburb towards A’s abode. A’s tone now was weird as we had shed our disappointment of not attending the party and were pretty content with the drive and the good humour that we maintained through the evening. He was verbally enquiring about my life and about the areas of my being that S did not know existed. He spoke of pain, love and lust in a manner that I have always wanted S to speak. A asked me what I want in life, to suffer each night in de\different beds or to cry out of that one bed all my life, maybe in it. It wasn’t A speaking. It was pain of his choices in life, which had found its voice looking at its reflections in my melancholy.

He cleverly tried to change topics to change the ambience from thoughtful to naughty. “Don’t answer that one I can see you have loved with all your being. Tell me who you want…” He glanced and Sam and completed “… for tonight?”

I did not waste any time in figuring if the Smart Alec comment was meant or not “Oh that’s your idea of entertainment for the evening. No wonder you weren’t very disappointed by party plans getting shelved”

I was enjoying this tussle of wits now and while trying to gauge S’s reaction to my earlier statement I added “I am more of a voyeur. Why don’t you both do the needful behind while I learn how to drive?”

A went back now to his story of S being cold to him and hot for others. He teased S ‘what about proving me wrong right here right now?”

While they began lover’s banter, this time A extended his story from three way to a group act. What followed was a graphic, hypothetical and comical account of s being a super stud satiating six willing queens at once”

S had a knowing smile aimed for me almost saying “ You know that I would rather die than do such a thing” I found myself slipping into thoughts that if A ever meant to be in bed with me and S simultaneously, Would S agree? The answer came in lightning flash speed. Of course he would be loved to hilt that one time. But will I say yes? Can I share the one I love with someone else? Apart from the bigger worries, were the small concerns about getting an unequal portion/ deal in such a scenario. I imagine waiting for a kiss, while two others are busy in a more intimate act.

The other fear that cropped was that historically I have been unsuccessful in my only attempt due to my penchant of laughing at the live sight of naked bodies. Who ever began the chain mail forward about 1000 things not to say during sex must have began it thinking of me and hoping that I save others from my trial and error ways.

Actually maybe I was a failure in bed and that’s why S moved away in the first place. And now things were beyond control. “Praful lets share him for the night. It’s decided” A quipped ducking to miss A’s hand which was hunting to hit him while driving. He chuckled and enjoyed irritating S but I declared the verdict of my inner dialogue “I don’t believe in sharing”

A replied ‘So give him a great time once you drop me off”
Whoa baby! This was a fast one, the kind of ball Andre agassi would be hit by. I wanted A to stop as each of these statements were bringing out my desires, all of which I thought were resolved and not repressed. But no, the roots existed; just the plants weren’t visible above the surface. With Kind sprinkling of fluid sexuality, the earth of my emotions went loose. The seeds that contained lives, my dreams and desires about S were threatening to tear open the surface and shoot out with my impulse to not only agree but also act on each suggestion.
But hey isn’t that what he wants, to instigate me, get me to act foolish, to ruin the respect S has for me, to prove it to me that I am not worth any high self esteem. Sorry Mr. A, I am not the kinds who give in, not the monkey who walks into your booby trap. I gave him a raspberry in my head while the car stopped in front of his complex.

He didn’t want us to drop him at his doorstep.
Ah! He was ashamed to be seen with us, well something common that he has with S. having known S for so long, I had never seen him make any efforts to mention about other significant people of his life. Be it his ex girlfriend, or the first gay person who he shared the bed with or the best friend from college.

He liked to maintain compartments of his life. All of us were distinctly classified and conveniently placed as separate parts of his life as per the labels – love life/ sex life, professional, leisure, gay friends and maybe more labels. So A was one of those who liked to be placed in closet along with brooms and went from a drag queen to discreetly gay straight acting person in 10 seconds flat… ooh. Match alright for S.

They kissed before he left our sides. S hesitated, looked at me once but the rarity of A’s company maybe led him to breach the holy rule. But hey this wasn’t the first time he kissed some one in front of me. It wasn’t the first time my heart tore into million little pieces of shattered glass. As A bid goodbye, I looked at Sam and hum. They looked so happy together that I forgot about my shattered heart. S was smiling one of those glorious smiles that said ‘Yes. I am on top of the world.”

He had held A’s hand and was asking A to stay a bit longer. A enjoyed the attention but reluctantly refused. He asked me to make S understand. I smiled and nodded in negative saying “I would faour my friend.”

A stepped out in a mock act of cursing me and placed his lips on mine. My thoughts went “Did he just kiss me? But… How can he? How dare he? Oh my god!!”

I turned my face to see S who was not amused by my delayed reaction but at least I hadn’t kissed back like he had done on so many instances. Maybe he would realize 1/ 1000th of pain that I felt. Maybe I was glad that he did. Amidst these thoughts, before I could wave properly, A was gone, we moved ahead and S casually asked me my opinion about A, beaming in joy, basking in radiance of his affection and love for the humorous , seductive and caring individual who had just left the space physically by existed between us in spite of that.

I said “Don’t let him go. Love him cos he loves you. I realize by looking at him that he might have to marry due to parental pressure and that even you consider the same. There might be no concrete future for your relation but sweets, live for the moments of ecstasy. I have never seen you happier than your boyish adamant rogue demands of him to stay back. You had sparks honey. It’s precious. Please be with him, love him with your heart and soul.”

I felt I wouldn’t be able to breathe while saying this but I continued
“S, if you do not love him as it’s a risk or because he is possessive, you would deprive yourself of a beautiful relationship. Ask me how it feels to long for someone and not being able to get him/ her. I have spent the whole f^#@king evening today in that one frozen emotion of pining. Don’t do this to him or yourself. It pains S, to know that all the happiness you want exists only for you to chose but destiny has decided otherwise. But luck favours you here. Even if he does not admit, he loves you like crazy. Don’t ignore him like you ignored me.”

I burst into tears and felt the rising volcano within my chest burst out. I saw that S had moist eyes but could not hold myself back. The music that was playing but I hadn’t noticed for quite sometime was ghazal about a person waiting from many lifetimes for his beloved it wasn’t the right song for the moment. It would make me cry more, so I ejected it but he played it again, maybe now knowing who I had burnt the CD compilation for and also what it felt being subjected to indecisiveness and eternal conflict between love and lust, purity and pleasure, pain and passion. Maybe he allowed the heat of the moment to take over his A/c and thus he rolled the window down. In his single tear, I saw his realisation roll down his cheek. He apologized and I wiped my face. Maybe I was 25 yet and he was 28 at the end of the night but we had grown, so had our hearts, our relation and only thing that had reduced was the distance between these two angles of the triangle.