A night of incoherence and insights about my heart

Every night I close my eyes and make a half hearted attempt to forget everything. The awareness of being responsible for all my life is overwhelming. Sometimes with the sounds of my favourite songs and at others with the words of wisdom from authors long dead and gone, I seek comfort I once received.

A simple pleasure of sound sleep next to a loved one, in embrace of securities, a sense of serenity, inner calm of belonging, of being accepted, of being loved and known. Its perplexing how we shut the windows of our hearts for the whole world and expect our loved ones to see right through it. Once we lower our guards and our windows, our thresholds go downwards almost automatically.

I realise amidst the echoes of my silences as i stare endlessly at the window curtains that we dont get hurt becuase of rejection or betrayal, we get hurt due to our expectations and misplaced dreams. The mourning after any relation is as much about the loss of dreams as much it is about the loss of a loved person.

I guess I have worn black for long if not physically but mentally and now its time for the dark winters to make way for the spring sun. Its been a long time of restlessness, not trusting anyone but self, of being a jerk magnet and more. Now that i see my past relationship from a distance with my minds eye before i sleep, I remember a poem by a dear friend Partho Sengupta( written below... hope u like it)

A visitor and a stranger

For a short time you stepped into my world

And saw a stranger in the mirror

You listened in wonder to this stranger

He spoke of memories of an earlier life

He spoke from your throat about older fears

His tears wet your eyes on realization of what it can be

Under the shadow of forgotten caves

The stranger came closer than you wished

Today you are back in your world

I am still in mine

And the stranger, he stayed back with me

It reminds just that everyone gives hurt and pain to people who love them.. What matters is your will not to continue doing so by your actions. After that, its their decision if they want to remain sad, hurt or pained by previous actions or forgive and forget. I think i am beginning the process to look beyond self, to look at my relationships in the light of my responsibility and participation towards them. I bid good bye to the victim mentality and by then, the dreams await me... the ones of better relationships in future and of a more sensible approach to my own heartaches. Right before I doze, an inner voice provides a perfect sign off saying - Good night and good luck.